A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room. Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition. Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hadn’t noticed […]
Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s. The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language. Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have found a startling connection between increased age and the […]
A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out. The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out. Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers: “While we eat some animals, we also […]
People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media, according to a new report. That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope. Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers: “People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need […]
Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly. The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and want’s to clamp down immediately. A spokesman for the Government said: “We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It […]
A man has bought a car to go to his job so that he can pay for his car. Freddy Fuckwit bought his second-hand car yesterday so that he could get to his new job so that he could pay for his second-hand car. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I had to get a car to get […]
Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]
The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment. Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night. A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers: “He had it coming for […]
A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend […]
Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger. Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable. Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Us clever people have suspected […]
People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat. It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit. Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all heard it – some dickhead […]
A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas. The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently. Professor FuckFace who led the research, told […]
A woman who was told to calm down by her boyfriend has not calmed down. Ethel Bobblehat said that being told to calm down was an open invitation to lose her shit. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was having an argument with my dickhead boyfriend, when I got a little bit angry. He wasn’t listening […]
That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]
A recent survey has shown that 97% of people who go vegan decide to do so to be awkward fucks. The study showed that vegans are not only likely to be awkward but are morally superior to the rest of the population. Professor Dingbat who undertook the study told GrumpyFuckers: “We found that the first […]
Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]
Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey. The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink. Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy […]
A mother of four has taken all day to get jack shit done. Cheryl Blundergunt spent 14 hours of her day getting fuck all done, before taking herself to bed exhausted. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve worked really hard today getting jack shit done. I wanted to sit down and watch some TV with a […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying. Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of […]