A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole. The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country. Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said: “Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world […]
A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died. Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them. Daughter Molly said: “Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching […]
After 85 years of living on earth, an old wise man has concluded that everyone on the planet is a cockwomble. Sanjay Grumpydrawers says that his conclusion is based on decades of research of the human race. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. Ever since I was little […]
The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever. They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’. Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said: “We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback […]
A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone. The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful. Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said: “People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, […]
A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode. Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair. Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters: “I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had […]
A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes. The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits. Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said: “I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most […]
It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition. This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in. We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title. Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a […]
83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards. That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise. Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said: “We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you […]
The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition. Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide. A very important spokesperson said: “This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve […]
Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to. Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm. Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said: “I’m sure that this is something […]
37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces. The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could. Kevin LardArse who ran the study said: “The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face […]
People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK. Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London. Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said: “The UK has a wide variety of […]
A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly. Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely. Charlie said: “I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very […]
A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life. Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was […]
A woman has painted a smile onto her face to help her get through her shitty day. Debbie FatArse says that it saves her the effort of pretending to be ok with things. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “My day’s hard enough without other dickheads making it worse. I always get told to cheer the fuck […]
Most of us have to work with them but that doesn’t stop them being assholes. Here are 7 signs that your boss is an asshole [listly id=”1Rii” layout=”magazine” per_page=”25″]
Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother. Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since. However, his agent […]
The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’. Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world. A spokeswoman said: “I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are celebrating International Grumpy Fucker Day. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit all day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning […]