Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies. Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said: “I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate. The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go. Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “They’ve facking dickheads. They […]
Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them. The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to […]
A band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’. Acres of Doom have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local […]
A mother-of-six has taken out her frozen Christmas turkey to allow it to defrost. Full-time mum Glenda Slackflaps has taken the frozen dead bird from the chest freezer in her garage, and has placed it on a plate at room temperature in her kitchen. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “We had big problems last year when […]
A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians. Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into […]
80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’. That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers. The survey also found that: • 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk […]
A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout. Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual […]
A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days. Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a […]
A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone. Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I saw one of their adverts in […]
03
Nov
Nov
It won’t be long before the judgmental fucker that is Santa Claus will be jamming his fat arse down our chimneys. But are you on his Good List or his Naughty List? Find out here: [qsm quiz=5]
31
Oct
Oct
A man has successfully found the end of a roll of sticky tape. David Dumfuck threw an impromptu party to celebrate, having spent the last three months looking for it. He told Grumpy Fuckers:“It was three months ago to the day that I started looking for the end of this tape. I’d been wrapping some […]
30
Oct
Oct
Are you as cool as a cucumber or do you need to visit an anger management class? Let Grumpy Fuckers diagnose you with this fab quiz! [qsm quiz=3]
30
Oct
Oct
You might be a Grumpy Fucker without knowing it! Take our shitty quiz to find out! [qsm quiz=1]
A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions. Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in. Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told […]
28
Oct
Oct
A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee. Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee. Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers: “I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I […]
A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like. Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was in that chair for over three hours. […]
26
Oct
Oct
82% of the world’s population have or will experience, the Mid-Life Fuck It. The ‘Mid-Life Fuck It’ has been described as realising that one is too old to give a fuck about anyone or anything. One Mid-Life Fucker told Grumpy Fuckers: “I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and went to comb […]
26
Oct
Oct
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November. Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International […]
21
Oct
Oct
A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home. Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is […]