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PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

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Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey.

The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink.

Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We all love a coffee now and then but for some people, it’s literally the only thing stopping them from being arrested every morning. Our survey showed that people are relying on this shit to make them socially acceptable, albeit for a few hours. If coffee didn’t exist, our data shows that thousands more people would be arrested every morning, putting a strain on our country’s resources. In some cases, we found that someone going without coffee in the mornings turns them into the biggest grumpy fucker the world has ever seen. In controlled experiments, we were able to turn grumpy fuckers into semi-normal functioning human beings with just a few cups of coffee. It’s really quite scary.”

Jenny Slut, who took part in the survey said:

“If I don’t get my coffee first thing in the morning, I turn into something out of the Walking Dead. And I don’t mean that nice looking fella with the leather waistcoat.”

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