CLAIM: I’ve put on 32 stone with SpeedySlim shakes

A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went for a burger every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to channel when Oprah finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, said:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”