PROVEN: Coffee makes you do stupid things faster and with more energy

Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy.

Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park.

He told the waiting audience:

“We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. I can’t stay any longer as I’ve got so much I need to do today. I was up a sparrow’s fart to make sure I go here today but I’d been up all night at the dog kept wanting to go out the back garden for a shit. I’m exhausted. The only thing that got me through the hell of getting up was my coffee, which kind of makes my point. I was able to drive to work without ramming anyone off the road and a second cup of coffee has helped me put up with the dipshits that have arranged this conference. I need to go now because my boss is on my back about another project and if he’s not careful, I’m going to stab him in the eye with my posh pen. Thanks.”

Bumlick handed out copies of the report for audience members to read when they’ve got fuck all else to do.