They’re your Facebook friends. You’ve met some, you’ve fucked some and you might even pretend to like some of them. Yet you have probably never noticed that they’ve been secretly making you a Grumpy Fucker all these years. What a bunch of fuckers. Here are some of the main culprits – cull them with pleasure.
#1 The-One-Who-Only-Ever-Updates-Their-Status-To-Let-Us-Know-That-Someone-Famous-Is-Dead
Usually, they just type this shit:
[insert dead person’s name here]. RIP
and then sit back to see how many people comment with the words OMG. Fuck you fuckwit.
#2 Let-Me-Tell-You-About-Everything-I’m-Doing-And-Yes-I-Mean-Everything
“I’m just scratching my arse.”
“I’m just thinking about washing a cup. It looks so dirty sat there unwashed.”
“I’m just updating my Facebook status.”
Where do you get the fucking time to actually do anything when you spend all of your fucking life on your fucking phone?
#3 The-Too-Much-Information-Fucker
We all have those thoughts that flit across our mind but there reaches a point where it’s socially acceptable to broadcast it to the world.
“Just dropped my guts. Still had last week’s sweetcorn in it.”
“Went to pork my missis last night but she was a bit dry and I pushed a bit too hard and now I’m in A&E with a snapped banjo string.”
Mate – we DON’T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!
#4 The Self-Promoting-Fucker
“Hey! I’ve had my article about ingrowing toenails published on the internet. Head here to read it – I’m going to be famous!”
Repeated EVERY FUCKING HOUR.
#5 The-Facebook-Activist-Fucker
If you’re still not grumpy enough, the Facebook-Activist-Fucker will remind you that others in the world have it a lot fucking worse than we do. From pictures of animal abuse to the latest war atrocities, they’re happy to palm the guilt off on to us while absolving themselves of any responsibilities themselves. A FACEBOOK SHARE WON’T SAVE THE DOGS. GETTING OFF YOUR FAT ARSE AND BRINGING IT HOME WILL.
#6 The-Fucked-Up-Grammarian
“I hope your well.”
Erm. I don’t own a FUCKING WELL. Surely, you mean ‘you’re’? Surely. Fucking learn the rules, FUCKWIT.
#7 The-Shorthand-Fucker
“Off 2 da skl to lrn how 2 fking write prply.” Good. Fuck off.
#8 The-Oh-So-Happy-Fuckers
Making their shit lives look amazing to everyone else by posting the best bits on their Facebook wall.
“At the airport waiting to go on holiday.”
Good. Hope it crashes.
“I’m so happy right now, I could cry.”
I’ll give you something to fucking cry about.
#9 The-Luvvy-Duvvies
“[insert fucking partner’s name here] is the best partner anyone could ever ask for. I love you [insert fucking partner’s name here]” Pass the sick bucket.
#10 The-Whinging-Fuckers
“I hate my job. How come all my other friends have jobs that they’re happy in?”
Because they got off their fat fucking arses and did something about it.
#11 The-Sympathy-Craving-Fucker
“Feeling low today.” Good. Fucker. Now you know how I feel reading your self-indulgent shit every day.
#12 The-Friend-Who-Logs-Once-Every-Two-Years
Thought you were supposed to be my friend? Fuck you and your I’ll-log-in-when-I-want attitude.
#13 The-Snoopers
This is the fucker who you have as a friend on Facebook but they haven’t posted anything for years. When you bump into them at the local supermarket, they know EVERYTHING about your life.
THEM: How is your cat now?
ME: My cat? How did you know about that?
THEM: I saw it on your Facebook.
ME: Do you want a punch in the fucking face you freak?
#14 The-Frapists
Yeah, yeah. You’re so fucking funny.
#15 The-Fucker-Who-Tags-You-In-All-Your-Horrific-Photos-After-A-Night-Out-But-Only-Posts-Half-Decent-Ones-Of-Themselves
Fuck you and your 17 chins.
#16 Farmville-Fucking-Fuckers
[insert fucker’s name here] wants to play Farmville. Oo. Now let me just think about that. You see, I can’t decide whether to accept your invitation or to drape my wet bollocks over an electric fence. I’ll get back to you.#17 The-Selfie-Fucking-Queen
Hey love – you look the same in EVERY OF YOUR 23,484 FUCKING PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. And yes, you still look like a FUCKING MOOSE IN EVERY ONE.
#18 The-Runner-Fucker
“[insert fucker’s name here] just achieved a personal best of 32:34:15.” Hey mate. I’m just off to find some fucks to give you.
#19 The-Small-Animal-Lover-Fucker
Those fuckers who produce a steady stream of cute kitten and puppy photos for us to drool over. Actually, you’re the only ones who cheer us up. It’s what the internet was invented for. We salute you!
