4 out of 5 teenagers think safe sex ‘involves having a handrail around the bed’

80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’.

That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers.

The survey also found that:

• 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk bottle until it hummed a melodic tune
• 52% thought that bumming involved rubbing bare buttocks together
• 87% enjoyed watching porn films instead of Sesame Street

The shocking results of the report has taken many by surprise. Bernard Gonad, President of The Society for Rude Things told Grumpy Fuckers:

“The figures are truly shocking. To think that 80% of teenagers consider safe sex to have a handrail around the bed, and then to find out that an extra 7% think that having one foot on the floor helps make it safer, makes us realise that these kids are all as thick as shit. We really need to educate them.”

One teenager, who didn’t want to be identified, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I really haven’t got a clue. It was only yesterday that I found out how babies were made. I honestly thought that all the lads had to do was rub the girl’s tummy to get them pregnant. How thick as shit am I?”