Scientists have proved the theory that mums are right about everyf*cking thing. Children who think that they know best have been told to shut the f*ck up and listen to their mothers. One mother told Grumpyf*ckers: “I’ve been telling the little shits who live with me for 20 years now that I know best. Everything […]
Tag Archives: featured
07
Aug
Aug
Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy. Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned. Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said: “We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning […]
A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk. Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand. Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers: “We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the […]
World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet. Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in. A spokesman for the White House said: “These are the words of a true leader. People […]
A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook. The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and […]
A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place. Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead. He told Grumpy […]
A 32 year old woman has faced up to the fact that being a grown up is shit. Lucy Biffon said that she’s fed up of having to do grown up things and would like to be a kid again. Please. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “When I was little, my mum told me what life […]
A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband. Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on. She told her local press: “When my fella and I first got together, we were […]
27
Apr
Apr
A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole. The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country. Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said: “Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world […]
A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died. Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them. Daughter Molly said: “Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching […]
After 85 years of living on earth, an old wise man has concluded that everyone on the planet is a cockwomble. Sanjay Grumpydrawers says that his conclusion is based on decades of research of the human race. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. Ever since I was little […]
The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever. They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’. Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said: “We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback […]
A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone. The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful. Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said: “People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, […]
A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode. Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair. Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters: “I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had […]
A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes. The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits. Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said: “I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most […]
12
Apr
Apr
It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition. This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in. We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title. Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a […]
11
Apr
Apr
83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards. That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise. Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said: “We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you […]
10
Apr
Apr
The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition. Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide. A very important spokesperson said: “This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve […]
Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to. Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm. Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said: “I’m sure that this is something […]
05
Apr
Apr
37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces. The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could. Kevin LardArse who ran the study said: “The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face […]