International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime. Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work. Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging […]
The date of this year’s Grumpiest Husband Competition has been announced. Friday 20th April will be the day that polls close and a winner announced. Competition manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a […]
A new online dating site has opened for people of mixed weights. It means that fat fuckers can now date skinny fuckers at the click of a button. Larry Lardarse, CEO of Fat v Skinny Dating told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s very rare that you see fat fuckers dating skinny fuckers and that’s all because of […]
A 46 year old man has seized the wrong day while trying to make his life more interesting. Donny Dickwash was hoping to seize a Monday but seized a Tuesday instead. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I never get anything right in life. Nothing. I once married a woman and it was only three months into […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
Scientists have successfully concluded that 95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms. The other 5% of marriage is actually hearing your partner muttering ‘Doesn’t matter’ at the end of an unsuccessful room-to-room conversation. Professor Brian Bellend who headed up the survey said: “I’ve been married for 17 years now and not a […]
A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch. Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole. She told GrumpyFuckers: “You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
Dear Ethel Why is my husband such an arsehole? Gaynor, Cardiff Dear Gaynor, It’s likely that because your husband is a man, there is a strong possibility that he will be an arsehole. Being an arsehole is such a common trait among men that the two go hand in hand quite well. It could be […]
Festive favourite Santa Claus has admitted to being a fat, judgmental bastard. Santa judges millions of small children around the world every year, leading to emotional trauma and feelings of insecurity among youngsters. Santa came clean, telling Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been doing this shit for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that I’ve […]
A 40 year old woman has forgotten to take her phone on her visit to the shitter. Beverly GlumPlums resorted to reading the bottles of cleaning products under the sink after her stupid mistake. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always take my phone to the shitter. Every single time. Except for this time obvs. It […]
Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]
Record levels of dickheads were recorded last month, sparking fears that the world is in the midst of a dickhead pandemic. The world saw a 14% rise in dickheads in the last month alone. Professor Freddy Fuckface told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve never seen it this bad in all my life and I’m an old fucker. […]
The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock. The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday. One observer told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I […]
A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to. Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter. Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers: “We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you […]
Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October. New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble. A government spokeswoman said: “Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up […]
The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars. It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly. Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are […]
A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures. The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society. A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said: “We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over […]
A new training regime for dogs will see dogs thanking the mugs who pick up their shit. Unlike cats who hide their turds, dogs simply empty their bowels and fuck off to sniff things like plants and stuff. Derek Dunce, director of Dog Owners R Mugs told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had dogs all of my […]
Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following. Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe. Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers: “Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that […]