Festive favourite Santa Claus has admitted to being a fat, judgmental bastard.
Santa judges millions of small children around the world every year, leading to emotional trauma and feelings of insecurity among youngsters.
Santa came clean, telling Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been doing this shit for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that I’ve been judging these poor kids all these years. Who am I to tell them whether they deserve toys or not? I ponce around the place, eating mince pies and putting on shitloads of weight. I think I need to come clean and admit that I’ve got some kind of problem. I’ve been to see my doctor and he told me to stop being so judgmental. I told him where to go and punched him in the face.”
One child said:
“Who is this fat fucker to judge me? I spend all my life trying to be good and as soon as I put one foot out of place, he’s there with his fat face, judging me and telling me that I’m on his naughty list. Well guess what fucker, you’re on my Shit List and you can get screwed,” said Timmy, aged 5.