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Builder deceives public by keeping tools in his van overnight

Not-tools

A builder has been deceiving the general public for seven months by keeping his tools in his van overnight, despite a sticker to the contrary.

Jimmy ArseCrack, who has been a builder for 3 years, told GrumpyFuckers:

“I am aware that some people like to break into vans like mine to steal tools, which they can then sell on Ebay. I had the brainwave of sticking a sticker in my van window, saying that I didn’t keep any tools in my van overnight, but really, and don’t tell anyone this – I keep them in the van overnight. Oh how I laugh when thieves walk past my van, totally unaware that my tools are in the van. I can’t believe that I’ve been able to keep my tools in the van for so long.”

Greg Wideboy, who lives next door to Jimmy was shocked to find out that he’d been keeping his tools in his van overnight.

“His sticker explicitly says that he doesn’t keep his tools in his van overnight. At first, I was really hurt that he could lie to me like that, but then I realised what a genius he is.”

Jimmy is thinking of selling the stickers so that more builders can keep their tools in their vans overnight.

*Updated. Jimmy’s van has been broken into. The thief got away with all his tools.

 

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Man pretends he’s on phone to avoid talking to someone he knows

A man has pretended to speak on his phone to avoid talking to someone he knew who was coming the other way.

Darryl Turd was walking to work this morning when he spotted an old friend, Simon Gunt, coming towards him.

Gunt told GrumpyFuckers:




“I was about to say hello when his phone apparently rang and he picked up. There was no ringtone and the asshole pretended that he was on the phone until well after I’d walked past him. I know he wasn’t really on the phone because he had it upside down for starters. It was a real shame because I wanted to ask him why he’s such an asshole – the last time he saw me, he jumped on a bus.”

Turd was unavailable for comment but his neighbour said that was a proper grumpy fucker.

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Grumpy Fucker shop assistant ratings scheme launched

A new scheme that rates the grumpiness of shop assistants has been launched nationwide.

The scheme rates shop assistants for their grumpiness. By law, they have to display their ratings in their shop window.

A spokeswoman for the scheme told GrumpyFuckers.com:




“We’ve all been into a shop where the shop assistant has been a total grumpy fucker to say the least. Our new scheme allows us to independently rate all our local shops for their grumpy attitude and give customers some warning of what they can expect inside. By law, they have to show their ratings in their shop window so there’ll be no getting away from the fact that you’re going to be served by some grumpy fucker.”

One shopper added:

“I think it’s a great idea but then I said that about marrying my husband and what an asshole he turned out to be.”

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Jazz musicians admit that they play any old shit they want

Jazz musicians

Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want.

The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales.

Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers:




“We weren’t selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We tried to get a bit of feedback from people and they mainly said that they couldn’t sing along to the music because the musicians were playing a different tune each night. We put this to the musicians themselves and they admitted that they just play whatever they want.”

One musician, who didn’t want to be named said:

“I’ve never learned to play an instrument in my life. I just pick up a trumpet and play any old shit that comes out of my mouth. People love it and pay me good money to listen to it so why should I stop?”

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Call for male porn stars to remove socks while having sex

A call for a ban on male porn stars wearing their socks while having sex has been made by an industry pressure group.

We Want Sex, Not Sox has called for the complete ban of porn stars wearing socks while sticking their bits inside other people’s bits.

Spokesman Glenda Slackflaps told GrumpyFuckers:

“We see the same thing over and over again – bit strapping lads who’ll show off everything they’ve got apart from their little pinkies. We say that they either get everything off or they go home. We’re not going to put up with it any longer. There’d be outrage if a female porn star decided to wear socks. In fact, we know of one star who had cold feet and wore a pair of footsies and her career never recovered.”

One male porn star, who didn’t want to be identified said:

“I’m really embarrassed about showing my feet.”

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Man who spent entire life working to pay bills dies

A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died.

Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died.

His wife Janice said:

“He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing that he’s left behind that will make the world a better place. Apart from our swimming pool which is kind of cute except when the dog craps in it.”

Jimmy started his life of work cleaning shoes at a local shop. He then spent 50 years working in a shoe shop selling shoes. He was hoping to retire and see the rest of his days out relaxing with his family and do all the things he’d always wanted to do. He died however and that was that.

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Putting duvet cover on when tired replaces divorce as world’s most stressful life event

duvet

Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event.

The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on.

Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the sheer hell of trying to put a duvet cover on when you’re really tired. I literally just want to punch down all the walls in my bedroom, run out into the street and strangle the first person I come across. It’s that bad. How other people manage, I’ve got no fucking idea.”

Professor Tarquin Shitface, who led the survey that led to the outcome, said:

“I’m very posh so I pay someone to do mine. They bring in a team of people to do it. They come out very stressed. I can’t do it myself because I’m too posh.”

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REVEALED: 10 minutes of work makes you start using the word ‘fuck’ like a comma

resting bitch face

A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas.

The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently.

Professor FuckFace who led the research, told GrumpyFuckers:




“We found that the workplace is a hotbed for profanity. People can arrive like Mother Theresa and within ten minutes, be at the point of ripping someone’s head off. A lot of it is to do with self-serving managers, who were often referred to as ‘cockwombles’. Other sources of frustration included shit coffee from the vending machine as well as conversations with customers. On one average day in an average workplace, you could expect to hear the word ‘fuck’ more than 20 times a minute. 78% of these expletives are mumbled under people’s breath or behind people’s back and our work was crucial in discovering that.”

Worker Jenny WideFlange, who took part in the survey, said:

“Yeah whatever. Fucking fuck fuck.”
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REVEALED: The REAL reason why dogs farts are silent but deadly

dog fart

For dog owners, dog farts are an all-out assault on the senses. The smell can overwhelm a fully-grown rhino and in some cases, people have lost vision for 24 hours after a particularly bad one.

The worst thing about them is that they come so unexpectedly, like some sneaky ninja creeping up behind you and shoving a hot turd in your face, and then running off laughing.

But scientists have revealed the real reason why dogs don’t make too much noise when they fart, and why they are so deadly.

Prof. Ian WiseGuy from the University of Little Hope told GrumpyFuckers:

“Dogs don’t worry too much about embarrassing themselves when farting like us humans do. As a result, their sphincters are less relaxed, allowing dogs to simply float air biscuits over a longer period of time. The brappage rating (the resistance of moving air against arse cheeks) is therefore considerably less, meaning that there is less sound. As for the awful smell – well, dogs eat all kinds of shit so that speaks for itself.”

You learn something new every day, don’t you?

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New ruling says two-faced friends ‘should get bitch-slapped twice’

slap

A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face.

The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution.

A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers:

“We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This new ruling will allow victims to bitch-slap the offender twice. We have not set any limits on how hard these slaps can be, or indeed, how many times they can be delivered. The aim of this new ruling is to persuade people to be true to themselves and not to say one thing to one person and another thing to another.”

Campaigner Jimmy Fuckface added:

“This is a great day for justice. It means I can now pay a visit to all the two-faced twats and give them a good smack in the fact, not once – but twice. There is a God!”

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Man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ found murdered

crime scene

The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment.

Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night.

A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers:




“He had it coming for a long time. Who the fuck thought of putting the words ‘good’ and ‘morning’ together? What a dick! The worst thing about it was that this fucker meant it. There is absolutely nothing good about mornings and I applaud the grumpy fucker who put this asshole to sleep for good. Now pass me my coffee.”

The phrase ‘Good Morning’ has gone on to prove very popular with people who have no idea of what life is really like and these people are often referred to as ‘assholes’ behind their back. Smiley was often the target of Grumpy Fuckers who wanted the phrase banned.

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Man builds time machine to tell his 20 year old self to stop being a dick

time machine

A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick.

Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face.

Gary told GrumpyFuckers:

“Back in the day, I thought I was something special. I couldn’t understand why women didn’t want me. It’s only now that I’m older that I realise that I was an ugly fucker who thought about no-one but himself. I’ve spent the last three weeks in my shed building this machine and I’ll be going back in time on the weekend to give myself a stern word or two. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so much up my own ass. It’s no wonder I the girls were giving me the brush off. I believe that I can go back in time and slap myself around a bit and give myself a good talking to.”

Gary’s long-suffering wife Wendy said:

“I only married him because he got me pregnant. I’m hoping that he can talk some sense into himself.”

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Bill: I’m suffering from deep depression now I’m out of the limelight

Facebook bill

Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity.

Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“Since February, it’s all turned to shit. Back in the day when I was King of Facebook, I thought I was set up for life. I had money coming in, I was popular with the ladies and I could even get upgraded to Premium Class at the airport just by giving the girl behind the desk a cheeky wink. These days, it’s all very different. All the money’s gone, I’ve got an empty fridge and I can’t get laid to save my life. It’s had such an effect on me that I’ve referred myself to the doctor and even she didn’t recognise me. I feel that my life has gone to waste now.”

Bill is currently staying on a friend’s couch and enjoys moaning about how shit his life is. His rise to fame was as rapid as his fall from grace. Most critics called him a ‘smart-arsed twat’.

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Steak and Blowjob Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

vegetarian lesbian

This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians.

The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs.

Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers:

“You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow that by necking some fella’s rancid knobend? No thanks. That’s not for me. I’d rather stock up on some fresh veggies and then get my gob around a nice pair of titties. That’s what life is about ultimately. I think there is some farmer somewhere who can’t shift his dead cows so he’s trying to spice things up a little by flogging it with a free blow job.”

Single man Terry Nutjob said:

“I was hoping that Steak and Blow Job day was going to be my chance to get some sort of action but sadly, all I managed was a bag of chips and a wank.”

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International Women’s Day events cancelled after venues run out of chocolate and wine

international womens day

Events marking International Women’s Day have been cancelled after venues ran out of chocolate and wine.

Delegates were forced to head home early, causing many of them to grumble and moan to their partners.

One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“I was most disappointed. Okay, I arrived late because I didn’t realise how long it would take me to get ready but when I did arrive, I was most vexed to find that they’d run out of chocolate and wine. What the frig is all that about? Don’t they know who I am? I am a woman and if they want me to turn up to their shitty event, the least they could do is turn up with some chocolate and wine. I kicked right off and punched the manager. I’ll be going back tomorrow to fetch my handbag as I accidentally left it there.”

International Women’s Day is marked around the world and celebrates the fact that they are better than men at things like sewing, riding horses and putting makeup on.

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Twins demand refund on their FaceSwap app

twins

A pair of twins are demanding a refund after their FaceSwap app proved to be pointless.

Chris and Chris Gubbins bought the FaceSwap app from the Apple App store last week. The pair tried out their new app last night but found that it was a pile of shit.

Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

Brother Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

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Men to receive free ‘wash-up-as-you-go-along-lessons’

messy-kitchen

Men are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told GrumpyFuckers:




“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in 2013. One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

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New coffee range launched for non-morning people

grumpy coffee

A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers:




“Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get a load of grumpy-looking fuckers in here so we only thought it right that we launch our very own range of coffee. It means that people don’t even have to leave home to be a grumpy fucker – they can sit at home like a lardarse and be one. We’ve launched our first batch which looks like shit and tastes like shit and we are now looking at expanding our range.”

Customer Terry SourFace said:

“This coffee tastes like horseshit. And I’ve tasted horseshit. I love it.”

Another customer added:

“My life is so shit and this just rounds it off nicely.”

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Workers disappointed to find extra day is a Monday

29th February

Workers across the country have woken up to find themselves disappointed that the four-yearly extra day is a Monday.

Monday is traditionally the shittiest day of the week. One worker told GrumpyFuckers:

“Why couldn’t the extra day be a Sunday or even better, a Saturday? That way, I’d still have a Sunday to look forward to. As it is, I’ve now got to get through another shitty Monday – put up with all the same assholes in work after spending an hour getting there and then having to spend another hour getting home. Whoever invented this leap year shit should go stab themselves in the eye with a pointy stick. I don’t like it one bit.”

One employer said:

“We like to have this extra day in our calendar because we can get one day’s extra work out of all the minions without us having to pay the fuckers any extra.”

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People who get a bad night’s sleep 100% more likely to mention it on social media

insomnia

People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media.

That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope.

Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers:




“People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need to tell people that they are not getting a good night’s sleep. Often, the subjects will be awake for about 2 hours on average, but they are likely to double that average before posting the news to their social media account. We are not sure why this phenomenon occurs but it’s more likely to come from someone who’s feeling particularly needy. I myself, for instance, only had 3 hours of sleep last night and I felt that my friends should know about this. As it turned out, they couldn’t have given a shit and my Facebook status was wasted.”

The study showed that bad sleepers are also likely to act like arseholes during the day.

“We find that people who lack sleep at night are often grumpy fuckers during the day,” added Professor CleverDick.