A woman who was told by a Careers Adviser to follow her dreams has gone back to bed.
Julie LardArse took less than ten minutes to get home and back under her duvet.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Chase my dreams? What’s all that shit about? The last time I followed anything I wanted, I ended up in jail. I thought going to see a Careers Adviser would give me the break in life I needed. I waited a whole hour to see the gobshite. First thing he asked me was how old I was, like that’s got anything to do with it. I told him where to go but he kept trying to give me this positive outlook on life. That’s the last thing I need at my age. He told me that it was never too late and that I had to follow my dreams. In a flash, I was out the door and heading back home and to my bed. It was still warm and the coffee I had next to it was just about drinkable.”
Julie’s husband Jake said:
“The woman needs no excuse to go back to bed. Not for filthy stuff though because that all ended the day we got married.”
Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit.
The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you fat fucker.
Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their own. But for the vast majority of people, they are overweight because of the shit they stuff down their necks. Our study looked at the eating habits of hundreds of subjects and we found that people who ate crap that they don’t need to eat are usually fat. Those who ate a more considered and healthy diet were not so fat. We therefore conclude that eating too much shit makes you obese.”
One fat fucker said:
“It’s true. I really don’t care what I eat or what my kids eat. I think nothing of eating three fast food meals a day. Alright, so I’m the size of a house but I’m happy. All fat people are content in life and that’s all that really matters.”
Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger.
Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable.
Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Us clever people have suspected this for a long time now. Many years ago, we studied a woman who never moved her face, not even to speak. She’d write everything down instead. She never laughed, looked shocked – she literally did nothing with her face. That was 40 years ago and she still looks exactly the same. On the other hand, we started keeping track of another subject who’d laugh at anything – even TV comedy Joey. She was very expressive and as a result, her skin’s gone to shit. She looks like Mick Jagger after a particularly long session on Class A drugs. Our study therefore shows that smiling makes you look wrinkly. We therefore conclude that resting bitch faces actually make you look younger than your happy counterparts so there is every reason to be grumpy in your life.”
One woman who took part in the study said:
“I thought I was the happiest woman in the world until I looked in the mirror at the age of 40. My face looked like a bag of shit. I should have spent my life as a proper grumpy fucker so that I wouldn’t be in this mess now.”
A world-famous coffee shop is recruiting new members of staff but on one condition – that they’re a Grumpy Fucker.
Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop is looking for miserable bastards to serve up coffee and pick up crap after people.
Manager Clive Grimgrits said:
“We’ve had grumpy fuckers coming here from all over the world. Most of them are local fuckers who don’t want to go to work and come here to get away from how shit their life is. But over the years, we’ve grown quite to the point where we need to hire new members of staff. We’re not looking for anyone who thinks that life is great because it’s not – it’s shit. We are looking for someone who really couldn’t give two shiny shites about our customers because they don’t care about us so why should we about them?”
Customer Jimmy MiseryGuts said:
“The coffee here tastes like cat’s piss but that’s ok because I’d rather that than going to work. I’d work here if I could but I think I’d probably want to punch someone in the face on my first day and where I come from, I could probably be arrested for that.”
Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop is currently accepting CVs, written application letters and bribes.
Britain’s leading TV fitness instructor has rebranded after getting old.
Derrick Evans, most commonly known as Mr Motivator has since repackaged himself as Mr Demotivator.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“You get to a certain point in your life when you think ‘I really can’t be arsed’. Things that you thought were important like doing 5 roly-polies before breakfast, really don’t matter. Fuck it. Do them another day. Who cares if you’re carrying a bit of timber? No one gives a shit anyway. I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing’s really important in life and that we’re all going to die pretty soon anyway. I’m packing up my pink leotard and I’m just going to sit around thinking of how shit life is. People can still come to me and pay me money for me to give them guidance and I might even launch a new DVD – a bit like In Da House that I launched a few years ago but without it being so happy.”
Mr Motivator rose to prominence in the early 1990s through appearances on the UK breakfast television show GMTV, where he performed live fitness sessions and offered tips and advice to viewers before Power Rangers came on.
“I’m through with all that shit. That’s all in the past,” said Mr Demotivator.
A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for Valentine’s Day has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for Valentine’s Day.
Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on Valentine’s Day but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making Valentine’s Day an absolutely shit one.”
Husband Dean added:
“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”
Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has announced that Mexico is going to build a tunnel under the Mexico/US border.
He said that the Americans were going to pay for the tunnel, which will cost $324bn.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Trump can boast all he likes about his fucking wall. I said to the missis last night that I should build a tunnel instead. She said that it was a good idea so I got up out of bed to draw some designs. I was there with a blank piece of paper and pen. It took me a good few hours but I eventually came up with something perfect. It’s of cylindrical design and will go underground.”
Enrique Peña Nieto said that the location of the tunnel hasn’t been disclosed to keep the Americans guessing.
“Shit, we’ve got hundreds of tunnels there already. The faster their lot are sticking up the wall, the faster our lads will be digging a tunnel underneath it.”
The White House hasn’t responded to the announcement, saying that they are still arguing about how many people turned up at Trump’s inauguration.
“Most of us go through our days wanting to tell people what they really think about their friends, family and work colleagues. Fuck Off Friday is a perfect opportunity to tell it as it is. Only this morning, I bumped into an old school friend. He was thick as shit in school but he passed by in his top-of-the-range Mercedes and a big-titted woman in his passenger seat. He came into my shop and asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was struggling to run the shop and that my missis had left me earlier this month. He told me to ‘keep my chin’ up so I told him fuck off. I haven’t seen him since and that’s fine by me because he’s a right cockwomble and not the sort of person I want to spend time with.”
Grumpy Fucker Debbie DroopyArse said:
“I can’t wait until Fridays now because that’s the day I get to tell my twat of a husband what I really think of him.”
Fuck Off Friday is celebrated all around the world and anyone can join in. How do you celebrate Fuck Off Friday?
A recent survey has finally revealed why birds sing so beautifully in the mornings.
Professor Brian CleverClogs published his discovery in the latest edition of the respected medical journal, The Scrotal Bulletin.
He told GrumpyFuckers:
“This study has taken us all over the world and we now know why birds sing so beautifully in the mornings – it’s the simple fact that they don’t have to go to work in the mornings. These birds just get up whenever they want, fly around for a bit, eat a few worms and then go back to bed at the end of the day. They don’t have to worry about asshole bosses, bills or working with cockwombles. They don’t even have to worry about commuting so it’s no wonder they’re up and about singing their arses off.”
One bird told GrumpyFuckers:
“Course I’m singing. I can do what the frig I want. Why wouldn’t I be singing?”
“This day will be like any other shitty old day except that on this one, we’ll be even more grumpy than usual. I’ve set up a for people to come along and whinge and if they can’t be arsed to check it out, they can go fuck themselves. I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this so the least they can do is click a fucking button on their mouse.”
The day’s events will see people moping about their home towns with faces like slapped arses.
One man who took part in last year’s Grumpy Fuckers Day said:
A man has woken up exactly one minute before his alarm was due to go off.
Shelf-stacker Derek Slowcoach had set his alarm for 7am but woke up at 6.59 exactly.
Derek told GrumpyFuckers:
“I set my alarm for 7am because I have to get up for my shitty job. I tried to get to sleep but it was fairly difficult because my next door neighbour was banging his missis. I finally dropped off at about midnight and the next thing I know, I wake up. I thought I’d have a quick slash, but the next thing I know, my fucking alarm’s going off. I was so angry that I punched myself in the face and went to work.”
Derek’s mum said:
“The boy’s a waster of space. I wish he’d move out.”
A man has told his work colleagues that he has a twin so that he can avoid talking to them outside of work.
Jimmy Thundergunt said he thinks his work colleagues are boring assholes and doesn’t want to associate with them more than he has to.
He told GrumpyFuckers:
“I’m quite a tolerant person but when it comes to work, I find that most people I work with are total dullards. I’ve told them all that I have a twin so that if I see any of their boring faces outside of work, I can just pretend that I’m my twin brother and totally ignore them. If I could work on own, I’d be the happiest person in the world. In fact, I might just do that. I’m going to walk into work and tell my boss what a boring gobshite he is. Thanks.”
Jimmy boss, Donald Twatt, said that he had received a letter of resignation from Mr Thundergunt.
A new set of badges discouraging people from chatting on London’s Underground has been launched.
It comes in response to an earlier initiative called Tube Chat, that tried to encourage commuters to chat, but ultimately went to shit.
One London commuter told Grumpy Fuckers.
“The last thing on earth that any commuter wants to do is chat to another fucking commuter. Making eye contact is bad enough but to actually want to hear about someone else’s shitty life – no thanks. I’d rather stare at the floor fucking floor.”
Clive GrimGrits, who invented the badge said:
“After my Grumpy Fucker Coffee Shop went global, I figured it was mostly grumpy commuters coming in to grab their fix of coffee. London Underground recently launched a scheme to try and get people to talk to each other by wearing a badge saying that they were happy to talk. Experience tells me that people would rather eat their own sick that talk to someone else, especially that early in the morning. My new scheme will allow commuters to verbalise their thoughts without having to speak to any other fucker.”
Badges go on sale on Monday 10th October from this website.
A leading bird scientist has proven that owls are just fat, grumpy pigeons.
Prof. Timmy Cleverclogs made the announcement to a packed conference last night.
He told delegates:
“We’ve all see them – these grumpy overweight birds with attitude. They stay up all night, giving mouses a hard time and all that shit. We took a sample of owls into our lab and tortured them until they confessed what we suspected all along – that they’re just overweight pigeons. We now have to declassify these birds as owls and rename them as just ‘fat pigeons’. It’s no wonder people go out shooting them.”
One owl said:
“The man doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he’s not careful, I’ll be round his house tonight with the boys to sort him out.”
Scientists have officially confirmed that more than 90% of the population suffers from Obsessive Coffee Disorder.
Sufferers from the condition complain of being grumpy fuckers unless they get their fix of coffee.
Prof. Timmy CleverClogs who made the announcement said:
“Sufferers of Obsessive Coffee Disorder often find themselves find that they can’t function when they wake up in the morning until they’ve downed a mug of brown. Headaches, muscle spasms and punching other people in the face very hard are all symptoms that can only be fixed with coffee. We have done some research and we have found that more than 90% of the population suffer from this.”
One sufferer told GrumpyFuckers:
“What are you looking at? Do you want a punch in the fucking face? I’ll smash your face right in…[drinks coffee]. Oh hi. How are you? Are you well?”
A man has bought a car to go to his job so that he can pay for his car.
Freddy Fuckwit bought his second-hand car yesterday so that he could get to his new job so that he could pay for his second-hand car.
He told GrumpyFuckers:
“I had to get a car to get myself to my new job. I now go to work to pay for the car that I need to get myself to my job.”
His mother added:
“He’s been sitting around my house on his lazy arse for the past 5 years. I’m glad that he’s got a job now and it’s nice to see him paying for his car so that he can get himself to work to pay for the car.”
The humble cat has officially been announced as the animal least likely to give a fuck about anything.
The cats were pushed all the way to the winning post by koalas and last year’s winner – the honey badger.
Professor Timmy CleverClogs who ran the study said:
“We were interested in finding out which of the world’s animals were least likely to give a fuck about anything. Animals such as dogs spend their lives in a state of constant anxiety because they want to impress their owners. That’s why they bring you your slippers and bark at people who come to your house unexpected. An intruder could break into a house where a cat is living and they’d be like ‘Yeah man – take whatever you want. I don’t give a fuck.”
One cat told GrumpyFuckers:
“Me? Give a fuck? Ha, no. I just like to sit around all day dabbing my moist A-hole over all your furniture. Do you seriously think I give a fuck about that? Ha. Jog on mate. I’ll be over here in the corner licking my balls. Laters.”
A recent survey has shown that 97% of people who go vegan decide to do so to be awkward fucks.
The study showed that vegans not only likely to be awkward, but are morally superior to the rest of the population.
Professor Dingbat who undertook the study told GrumpyFuckers:
“We found that the first rule of Vegan Club is to talk about Vegan Club. Vegans hate most people, especially those who find comfort in eating dead, rotting muscle tissue. Their whole aim in life is to make life for these other people as miserable as possible. When they go out for meals, they make a very loud announcement that they are vegan just to be awkward. The same thing happens when they go for a meal round a mate’s house, especially as most of their friend’s cooking is shit. They like to make life a misery for those who like to eat dead animals and I quite like that idea.”
One vegan said:
“Fuck the world. Fuck everyone. And fuck you. Now where did I put that carrot?”
“Yeah we’ve got this shitty competition because no one else will host the fucking thing. I’ll guess I’ll have to get some shitty food and drink in for all the assholes who think they’ve going to turn up and win.”
Organiser Jimmy NoMates said:
“We’re looking for the miserablest bastards in the world. The ones who get out of bed and mope around all day moaning about how shit life is. We want the grumpiest of the grumpiest and we won’t stop until we find him.”
The winner will receive fuck all. Probably just a nice medal or something.
A new brand of coffee has been launched at a famous coffee house in Wales.
The Cafe Vodka Valium Latte (commonly known as The Bomb) went on sale at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee House in Cardiff yesterday.
Shop manager Clive GrimGrits told local press:
“We get all kinds of grumpy fuckers in here in the mornings and the one thing they all tell us is that they need something stronger to get them through the day. We went to the drawing board and did a bit of homework, before coming up with this little baby. We tried it on our staff yesterday and none of them can remember anything about it so it’ll be perfect for our customers. We’re going to keep the exact recipe a secret because we’re tight fuckers and we don’t want anyone else making money off the back of it but its essential ingredients are plastered on the outside of the mug.”
One customer said:
“I had two of these fuckers over breakfast and I went into work singing. I was promptly sacked, which was perfect for me.”