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Grumpy fucker told overly happy man ‘to fuck off’ before punching him

A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks.

Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying.

Victim Tim Sparkles told police:



“I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful place and I am sooooooooooooo happy to be alive. I was walking to my local restaurant when I bumped into Mr Grizzle who was half-asleep and walking down the road. Mr Grizzle grumbled under his breath and I told him to cheer up and that it might not happen. I told him that he should be happy to be alive. I did a little twirl on the spot and then sprinkled him with glitter. I leaned in to give him a hug but Mr Grizzle told me to fuck off and proceeded to punch me in the bollocks. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Since then, I’ve been a right miserable fucker. I can see his point now.”

Mr Grizzle is expected to say that he acted in self-defence. That’s if he can be arsed to turn up in court.

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People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off

People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity.

The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves.

A spokeswoman for the group said:




“I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers who are posting this shit are the ones who sit at home all day eating Cheetos. They’re not the ones who’ve been out there and achieved things. And when I’m in a really bad mood, I see shit like ‘You’ve Got This’ and ‘You Are Enough’. NO! I haven’t got fuck all and who am I not enough for? I’ve deleted all my friends on social media who post this shit and I’ve found that I’m left with one neighbour I never speak to and an old friend who I don’t speak to because he just wants to get in my knickers.”

A recent survey has found that people who post motivational bollocks are less likely to actually follow their own advice.

“People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off,” said the spokeswoman before punching a dog in the face.

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Sarcasm replaces English language as official language of over-40s

Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s.

The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language.

Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We have found a startling connection between increased age and the use of sarcasm as a first language. Essentially, what we’ve found is that the older you are, the more sarcastic you’re going to be. We think this is because when you set out in life, you have hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination. After a few decades of trying the same old shit and getting nowhere, you realise that is hasn’t worked. Fuckers internalise this and become bitter. They see members of the youth with their hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination and they realise that theirs has gone. That’s when they turn to sarcasm and that’s why we’re seeing these kind of numbers.”

The figures show that over 90% of over 40s use sarcasm as their first language.

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Grumpiness linked to higher intelligence

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Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.

Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”

One participant of the study said:

“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”

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Woman thrown out of coffee shop after asking for decaf

A woman has been thrown out of a coffee shop after she asked for a decaf Americano.

Lisa Largethighs was thrown out of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop early yesterday morning.

Shop manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We get all kinds of arseholes coming in here and every single one of them is grumpy as fuck. The only way that they manage to get through the day is to drink shitloads of coffee. It’s the only thing they can do to get through the day. We were all in a grumpy mood yesterday when this posh tart comes waltzing in. First thing she said to me was ‘Good morning’ and I could tell straight away that she was too happy for comfort. I think at one point, she even smiled. Then she dropped the bombshell and asked for decaf. The shop fell silent. I asked her to repeat what she had just said and with a smile on her face, asked for decaf. Within seconds, she was outside on her arse. I wasn’t putting up with any of that shit.”

Largethighs said she usually asks for decaf as it makes her poop.

“I usually ask for decaf because it makes me poop,” she said.

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Cats silently tell owners to ‘go fuck themselves’ up to 50 times a day

Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day.

The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off.

Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We have always considered cats as members of our family but in truth, they really don’t give a shit. They’re quite happy to take the food, warmth and treats that you give them but they feel no allegiance to you. Just because they live in your house doesn’t mean that they love you. We invented a very special piece of kit that reads cats’ minds and we discovered that cats are constantly telling their owners to fuck off. We had one cat that was constantly repeating the words ‘fuck you’ every few minutes or so. One owner was petting her cat so much that the cat had enough and went and shat in her slipper. These cats just don’t care and they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.”

One owner said:

“I don’t believe a word of it. My cat loves me and I know this because it brought me in a dead frog last night.”

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Woman divorces husband after he leaves traces of butter in the jam

A woman has filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage after finding traces of butter in her jam.

Ethel Leathercrotch said she’d been putting up with that butter-in-the-jam shit for too long and she’d had enough.

Husband Terry told Grumpy Fuckers:

“She went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been making her toast and jam every morning for the last 30 years. It was only today after she’d come back from bingo that she fancied a slice of toast and decided to make it herself. Of course, she opened the jam pot and saw a sliver of butter in there. There was a momentary pause before she threw the pot of jam at my head and punched the dog in the face. She then flounced out of the front door and smashed up my car. That was the last I saw of her. A few days later, I had a letter from her solicitor asking for a divorce. I don’t know what to do with myself so I’m going carry on making toast and jam every morning in the the hope that one day, she’ll come back.”

Ethel said:

“He can fuck right off is he thinks I’m coming back. I’m moving to Greece to find myself a bronzed Adonis and I’m going to sit on his face all day. Bollocks to the toast and jam.”

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Nightclub closes after attracting too many ugly fuckers

A popular nightclub has closed its doors ‘for the foreseeable future’ after it was feared that the venue was attracting a dangerously high proportion of munters.

The club’s Facebook page informed visitors that the iconic nightclub was closing because there were too many ugly fuckers patronising the venue.

Club-goer Dean Snitch told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I can’t believe it. True, it was full of munters, but that all worked in my favour because it meant that I could get laid easier. Where am I going to go and get my leg over now?”

Another club-goer was in floods of tears. She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I loved it there. They played shit music and that but me and all my ugly friends went there. I now have to sit at home and listen to shit music with all my ugly friends. I blame the government.”

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week!

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The 2018 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales.

This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 15th-21st October, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse.

Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff, said:

“This affliction can happen to anyone, especially in this day and age. I went to a supermarket last night to pick up some coffee for the shop and on the way out, this old fucker just stopped walking and stood there in the doorway to check her receipt. She was blocking everyone who wanted to come in and out. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood anyway but this instantly turned me into a Grumpy Fucker. Of course, lots of other people are grumpy because they have to work with arseholes and dickheads. It’s those people we should feel sorry for and that’s what this week is all about.

“Awareness is important! Let’s get the message out there that it’s ok to be a Grumpy Fucker. You’ve got this! You are enough and other overused and dismissive clichés,” he added.

Grumpy Fucker Awareness Week will kick off with a shitty coffee morning at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop. No other events have been planned as yet because organisers can’t be arsed.

Are you a Grumpy Fucker? Has life turned you from a bouncy, young, happy-go-lucky spring chicken to an old miserable fucking fucker? Ah well. Tough shit. That’s life for you.

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Clown sighting dismissed as ‘chubby girl with too much makeup on’

A reported sighting of a clown has been dismissed by police as a girl in heavy makeup.

The ‘clown’ was spotted heading out of a local pie shop and heading into the local cake shop while eating a kebab.

An eyewitness said:

“I shat myself. This thing was coming towards me eating a kebab and I just froze. There have been lots of sightings of clowns lately but I never thought I’d see one around here. They’re the kind of things you expect to find in a circus or on the telly. I never knew they existed in real life.”

A police spokeswoman said:

“We received a call at 7.30 this evening with a report of a clown in the High Street. We immediately dispatched our top cops to go take a look but sadly, it just turned out to be a chubby girl wearing too much makeup. Our cops told everyone to leave the scene and then they went for a burger. Sgt. Grumble had the cheeseburger while Officer Dibble plumped for the double cheeseburger because he was hungry.”

The girl eventually left on a train to fuck knows where.

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Woman prepares for Christmas early by falling out with her family in September

A woman has fallen out with her family in September in a bid to prepare herself early for Christmas.

Glenda Wideflaps phoned her parents and siblings last night to call then ‘selfish cockwombles’ to start her festive fisticuffs.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I always tend to leave things to the last minute so I thought I’d get started early this year. I’ve done all my Christmas shopping, put the tree up and cooked the turkey. All that was left for me to do was to kick off and cause an argument with my family. I called each member of my family and told them what I thought of them. They all started shouting and hollering so I think I’ve done well this year already. I’m hoping that they’ll come round and kick off with members of my family so that we can embrace the festive spirit properly.”

Glenda’s also hoping to fall out with her neighbours within the next week or so.

“I’ve started a few fires in my garden when their washing’s out and if that doesn’t work, I’m going to play Demi Roussos at full volume at 3am.”

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Dog’s barking saves owner from murder by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists

A terrier has saved his owner from the murder by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking.

Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering.

Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’m so glad I bought him. I would have been murdered a hundred times over if it wasn’t for Rufus. I had a sneaky suspicion about the postie – every time he comes up my path, he’s got that murderous glint in his eye. And the other day, I was just sitting down to watch Peak Practice and this cyclist went past. Rufus started scaring him away and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have got to see Peak Practice. As it is, I’m working my way through the second series.”

Rufus however, feels that Chris is not as grateful as he should be. He said:

“I stand at that fecking window day and night guarding the realm. And every time a murderer comes up the path, I’m the one fending them away. What do I get? I get shouted at and a slipper thrown at me. It’s not on. If he’s not careful, I’m going to walk away from this family. Then he’ll see what he’s missing.”

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Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.

Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.

Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:




“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to Dunelm and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”

Cushion addict Tina Plump added:

“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Walker in shock as cyclist thanks them for moving out of their way

A walker has been taken to hospital with shock after a cyclist thanked them for moving out of their way.

The incident happened on the popular Taff Trail in Cardiff. The walker is said to be in a stable condition.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I was walking to work down the Taff Trail as I do every day of my frigging life when I heard the little tinkle of a cyclist coming from behind. As I always do, I stepped out of their way so that they could pass with ease. What I wasn’t expecting was the cyclist to open his mouth and say the words ‘Thank’ and ‘you’, one after the other, just like that. I don’t remember much after that apart from waking up in the back of an ambulance. I wouldn’t have minded but I was hoping to meet up with my butty for breakfast but that’s all gone tits up now.”

Police are trying to track down the cyclist, who was reportedly wearing shorts so tight that you could clearly see that he had one bollock hanging down much further than the other.

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FuckOfftober charity campaign to encourage people to say ‘Fuck Off’ when required

An assertiveness charity is hoping to cash in on traditional October events by running a new campaign called FuckOfftober.

The campaign hopes to give more people the confidence to say ‘Fuck Off’ when someone is boring them shitless.

Campaign manager Tracy SmoothCalves told Grumpy Fuckers:




“There are so many boring people in the world and it’s about time that these arseholes were put in their place. Day after day, we have to listen to these people droning on and on about their kids, or their jobs or their shitty families. The fact of the matter is, we really don’t give a shit about them. We need to start telling these people to their ugly faces – we don’t care now FUCK OFF.”

Campaign organisers are hoping that FuckOfftober will combine nicely with Stopober, when smokers will feel other peoples’ boring banter more acutely.

Fundraiser Jason FatLip said:

“I’m looking forward to going into work and telling people to Fuck Up. It’s been a lifelong dream for me and hopefully, I’ll raise a bit of money in the process.”

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Couple forced to speak to each other after Facebook goes down

A man has made conversation with his wife who was sat next to him after Facebook went down last night.

The popular social networking site went down leaving many not sure what to do with themselves.

Jeff WideGut told Grumpy Fuckers:




“It was all a bit strange. There I was one minute on my phone; the next minute I was faced with my wife, who was sat there beside me. She had been on Facebook too. We ended up talking to each other. She seemed a nice lady.”

Other couples joined Twitter in order to look up more shit on the internet. One lady said:

“I spend all night looking up other people’s wonderful lives on Facebook. When it went down, there wasn’t much else to do so I was forced to join Twitter. It was a bit shit to be honest because I posted a picture of my dinner on there but no-one liked it.”

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Government asks BMW to recall 5 million cars after ‘indicators fail to work’

The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars.

The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests.

Government spokesman Dan Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve been getting calls from motorists and police officers across the country telling us that flashers on the side of BMWs are not working. Whether they are pulling into a different lane on the motorway or just coming around a roundabout, it seems that no-one is aware of where the BMW is heading because its indicators just simply aren’t working. We would like BMW to look into this as a matter of urgency.”

But it seems that the indicators ARE working but that some BMW drivers are not aware of their existence.

Driver Clive Snitch said:

“Indicators? Eh? In my car? Ha ha. Don’t be stupid! Eh? On the side of my steering wheel? Really?…Good god, you’re right. I thought that was just there to flash my lights to people when I’m driving up their arseholes at 90mph.”

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Runner set personal best but forgets to share it on Facebook

A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook.

Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night.




She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share my personal best with my friends and family on Facebook. I can’t believe I wasted that opportunity. Normally I share every single run I do, just to impress everybody. They love seeing my stats and all the maps of where I go and that. They think I’m so healthy but really, I’m just running to the chippy and back. They do a lovely line in steak and kidney pies and I can’t stop eating the bastards.”

Denise’s new time of 5 minutes and 3 seconds shaves nearly half an hour off her personal best. Her husband Tim said:

“She took the car last night. You did know that didn’t you? She set the RunKeeper app on her phone to run, got in the Austin Allegro and drove to the chippie.”

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Man takes month off work to take delivery of wife’s internet orders

A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive.

Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:




“My job’s shit anyway so I don’t mind staying home. The problem is that my missis has ordered so much shit that I’m struggling to keep up. It all started when I missed the delivery man because I was upstairs changing the duvet. When I came downstairs, I noticed a card saying that I’d missed my delivery so the next day, I went to the sorting office to collect it and then found three more cards saying that I’d missed more deliveries when I got back. There’s all sorts arriving at my house and the bin man’s going to have a heart attack when he sees the amount of cardboard boxes I’ve got for him on Monday.”

Wife Sandra does all her Christmas shopping on her break at work. She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I do all my Christmas shopping on my break at work.”

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New app help fuckers find lost socks

A new app has been launched to help fuckers find their lost socks.

The FindMySock app can even find socks that have seemingly vanished in the washing machine.

Creator Jimmy Fuckface said:




“I’ve lost shitloads of socks over the years. It got so bad that I realised that I had to do something. I knew that I was very clever so I came up with this amazing app that I’m going to charge through the nose for. It helps fuckers find their socks and can be useful for tracing long lost socks that have vanished in the washing machine. I’d like everyone in the world to buy it so that I can retire within the next year and live on a tropical island where topless women bring me ice cold gin and tonic every hour on the hour.”

Critics have pointed out flaws with the new app, saying that no-one has ever been able to find socks that have gone missing from a washing machine.

“This app’s a load of shit,” said one critic. “I wouldn’t use it if anyone paid me to.”

The app is available in most good outlets and some shit ones