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Shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout.

Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual women’s supermarket etiquette demands that a woman must first SLOWLY pack her items into plastic bags in an organised manner, and then SLOWLY dig her purse out from her Tardis handbag while other shoppers wait in line.

Witness Colin Greenteeth told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was ready to wait impatiently for ten minutes, cussing and sighing while she searched each pocket for her purse. But this woman was there holding out her tenner before the checkout girl could say ‘that’s £6.37 please love’. I had to ask the fella next to me to pinch me to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.”

CCTV footage showed that the woman was getting her money out from a pocket WHILE THE CHECKOUT GIRL WAS SCANNING THE ITEMS. Kwik Save manager Debbie Twoshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was ashamed to see it with my own eyes. She won’t be shopping here again.”

Were you the mystery woman? If so, please get in touch. We’d like to buy you a pint.

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CLAIM: I’ve put on 32 stone with SpeedySlim shakes

A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went for a burger every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to channel when Oprah finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, said:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”

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Man finds end of sticky tape

A man has successfully found the end of a roll of sticky tape.

David Dumfuck threw an impromptu party to celebrate, having spent the last three months looking for it.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:



“It was three months ago to the day that I started looking for the end of this tape. I’d been wrapping some presents for my Mum’s birthday and it just seemed to happen. I looked for the end and there it was – gone. I spent several hours looking for it and in the end, I had to give my mum her new dildo in a plastic bag. It kinda took all the fun out of it. She loved it though.”

David spent the following three months searching for the end of the roll:

“I was up at 5am every morning looking for it. I had a few false alarms but it was only yesterday that I managed to find it. I was delirious. I was so happy that I invited all my friends to a local restaurant and for them all to stuff their fat faces. I’m over the moon.”

David is now recovering at home.

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How grumpy are you? [Worker’s edition]

You might be a Grumpy Fucker without knowing it! Take our shitty quiz to find out!

Welcome to your How Grumpy Are You? [Worker's Edition]

1. When you wake up in the mornings, what are the first words you utter?
2. What is your morning tipple?
3. What's the first thing you do when you get to work?
4. Your work phone rings. Do you?
5. It's lunch hour in work. Do you?
6. The afternoon is dragging. How do you pass the time?
7. It's home time. How do you leave the workplace?
8. You arrive home. What's the first thing you do?
9. A friend phones and asks if you fancy going out with them. Do you?

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Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.

Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.

Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:



“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to the local furniture shop and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”

Cushion addict Tina Plump added:

“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”

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Man lives dangerously by attempting to talk to wife before her morning coffee

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee.

Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee.

Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I hadn’t even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My jaw just dropped. He babbled on for a few minutes before he noticed that I wasn’t replying and was getting ready to rip his testicles off.”

Richard shut the fuck up as soon as he knew he was putting his life at risk.

“I thought she’d had a few sips and I didn’t even think. I just went into the room and started talking. It was only when I saw her pulling her fingernails out of the bed that I realised I was in trouble. I shut the fuck up and went straight to work,” said Richard.

He hasn’t returned home since.

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Woman keeps sadness inside after receiving haircut that she didn’t like

A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like.

Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I was in that chair for over three hours. I browsed through several magazines looking for a cut that I liked and I eventually settled on a cut that looked that that one out of Friends. I told my hairdresser that I wanted my hair like that and she said that it’d be no problem. Three hours later and I ended up looking like Phil Spector. I’m not sure where it all got lost in translation. When my hairdresser asked me if I liked my new hair, I told her that I loved it but I couldn’t get out of the shop quick enough. I had to keep all my sadness inside. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it now. I’ve become such a grumpy fucker that the only thing I can do is get shit-faced on gin.”

Annabel’s hairdresser was contacted for a comment but told us to fuck off. Annabel is hoping to leave her home in 5 months once her new hairstyle has grown out.”

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82% people experience the Mid-Life ‘Fuck It’

82% of the world’s population have or will experience, the Mid-Life Fuck It.

The ‘Mid-Life Fuck It’ has been described as realising that one is too old to give a fuck about anyone or anything.

One Mid-Life Fucker told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and went to comb my hair but realised that I didn’t have any left. It was then that I realised that it’d happened – I’d become middle-aged. I took the mirror off the wall and went out to the nearest motorcycle shop. I part-exchanged my house for a new bike, took all my clothes off and drove down the highway until I run out of gas. Then I went into the nearest bar and drunk so much that I pissed myself. I was hoping to get laid that night but the ladies in the bar weren’t too keen so I went home and watched some porn. I masturbated until my penis came off in my hand.”

Professor BigBollocks of a local university said that this kind of experience is all too common among middle-aged fuckers.

“It’s happening all over the world. We spoke to one woman who sold her kids for a new pair of tits. She felt like she was 19 again until 9pm came around and she had to go home to have a lie down,” said the Professor.

“If my calculations are correct, I’d say that 3 million people are experiencing that ‘moment’ right now.

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Grab yourself a coffee – International Grumpy Fucker Day 2018 is Friday 2nd November!

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2018

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November.

Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated. Friday’s celebrations follow a previous International Grumpy Fuckers Day only a few weeks ago at the end of September because once a year isn’t enough to celebrate the fucking day.

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People who whistle non-tunes can now legally be punched in the throat

People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat.

It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit.

Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve all heard it – some dickhead happy at their job, whistling something that doesn’t even resemble a song. People that need to be punched hard in the throat so we’ve pushed through some legislation that means that anyone can now legally shut the happy fuckers up. I was in a restaurant yesterday and there was this prick who was happily cleaning the dishes out the back. He was so happy in his job that he was whistling any old shit. I slammed down my steak, stormed into the kitchen and punched the fucker in the throat. He stopped whistling after that. I am glad to see our law-makers seeing sense and passing this as law.”

One postman who didn’t want to be identified said:

“It now means that I’ll have to do my rounds in complete silence. This world has gone mad.”

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Prosecco coolers to be introduced to offices nationwide

Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy.

The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices.

Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant increase in the happiness of their workers, and workplace would become a nice place to work once again. Over the last few decades, the office has become a place of doom and negativity. Our aim is to ply workers with huge amounts of Prosecco in order to reverse this trend. We tested it in our workplace and every day has been a great one. I can’t remember much about them but the photos are hilarious. Also, our Chief Executive has had to go off work as she’s now found out that she’s pregnant. By Phil in accounts I think. And Tina’s broken leg is healing nicely after her fall from the top of the photocopier.”

Prosecco coolers are expected to be installed in most offices throughout November.

“I can’t wait,” said one worker. “I’m going to get shit-faced every day.”

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OFFICIAL: Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world 2018

Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year.

Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women.

A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers:



“There have been days where the only thing I look forward to is unhooking my bra and releasing my boulders from their holders. In this day and age, and the popularity of moobs among the lads, bras have never been so popular. We asked 13 people what they thought was the best feeling in the world and every single one of our subjects gave the answer of undoing their bra at the end of a long day. Who’d have thought it?”

One of the subjects added:

“I came home last night after a shitty day and the only thing that was on my mind was undoing my bra. I cried I was so happy. It was an emotional moment.”

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Don’t bother – it’s International Neg Head Day

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If you woke up this morning, happy that you were alive and that a new day is a new start – think again.

That’s because it’s International Neg Head Day, the day where all the doom-and-gloomers come out and shit all over any little piece of happiness you have.

Organiser Jimmy LardArse told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve been wanting to launch this day for years but we couldn’t be arsed and we never thought it’d do any good. I still don’t see what it’s going to achieve to be honest but I’ve recently been sacked for being too negative so I’d rather do that than sit around trying to better my life. We’re not expecting it to be a successful day.”

Neg heads all over the world are being encouraged to put the dampeners on any one’s positivity today.

“If someone tells you about their exciting new plan, point out how it’ll never work. If someone’s achieved something that they’ve been striving for ages to achieve, point out what they haven’t achieved yet. If anyone tells you that they’re happy, point out all their failings,” added LardArse.

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Doctors receptionists voted Grumpiest Fuckers of 2018

Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.

It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.

Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:




“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”

Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:

“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”

Doctors receptionists won the title last year and are the first people to win it back-to-back.

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Good-looking people more likely to be Grumpy Fuckers

You might be a stunner but chances are, you’re probably not happy.

Scientists have proven the despite their good looks, beautiful people are often the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

Professor BoggleEyes of Fuckwit University told Grumpy Fuckers:




“You think they’ve got everything because they’ve got the looks. But oh no. Far from it. We asked 100 good-looking people, including myself, whether they were happy. 86% of them said that they weren’t and of that 86%, 98% said that they were complete grumpy fuckers. The main reason that good-looking people find themselves grumpy as fuck is that they always think that they can be even betterer-looking than they already are. I asked one guy who was God’s gift to women why he wasn’t happy and he said that his hairy arse got him down. We asked one woman who looked like she’d just come off the catwalk why she wasn’t happy. And she said that one of her tits was ever so slightly bigger than the other. Take a look at me. I’m perfect but my breath smells like an arsehole. It’s these kind of things that make us grumpy.”

The Professor’s findings follow his recent discovery that intelligent people are also likely to be grumpy fuckers.

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It’s International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day!

People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day.

The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up.

Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I get to do fuck all every day so I thought I’d fill my time by making up another pointless ‘awareness’ day – but this time with a twist. I’d like everyone to join with me in actually hugging grumpy fuckers all over the world in an attempt to cheer them up. If that fails, I suggest using the classic phrase ‘Chin up’ or ‘It might never happen’. And if that doesn’t work, well quite frankly, they can fuck right off.”

Local legal firm TightArse and Feltcher have warned that some people could get themselves into trouble.

“If someone touches me without me asking them to, they’re getting a mouthful of fist,” said one spokesman.

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Will you be calling in sick on 5th October – International Fuck Work Day?

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That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here.

Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs.

Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said:



“I’ve worked for some right arseholes in my time and all I ever wanted to do was tell them to go fuck themselves. I came up with the idea of International Fuck Work Day to allow people to express their true feelings for their jobs and work. Over 90% of the world’s population work under some kind of manager and 89% of those managers are arseholes. It’s a day when we can call in sick, crack open a few beers and not give a flying fuck about those shitty managers and those shitty jobs.”

One manager said:

“I’m expecting half my team to not turn up on Friday. It’s not that I’ve been an arsehole manager but the job is really shitty. I might be joining them actually.”

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Grumpy fucker told overly happy man ‘to fuck off’ before punching him

A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks.

Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying.

Victim Tim Sparkles told police:



“I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful place and I am sooooooooooooo happy to be alive. I was walking to my local restaurant when I bumped into Mr Grizzle who was half-asleep and walking down the road. Mr Grizzle grumbled under his breath and I told him to cheer up and that it might not happen. I told him that he should be happy to be alive. I did a little twirl on the spot and then sprinkled him with glitter. I leaned in to give him a hug but Mr Grizzle told me to fuck off and proceeded to punch me in the bollocks. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Since then, I’ve been a right miserable fucker. I can see his point now.”

Mr Grizzle is expected to say that he acted in self-defence. That’s if he can be arsed to turn up in court.

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People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off

People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity.

The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves.

A spokeswoman for the group said:




“I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers who are posting this shit are the ones who sit at home all day eating Cheetos. They’re not the ones who’ve been out there and achieved things. And when I’m in a really bad mood, I see shit like ‘You’ve Got This’ and ‘You Are Enough’. NO! I haven’t got fuck all and who am I not enough for? I’ve deleted all my friends on social media who post this shit and I’ve found that I’m left with one neighbour I never speak to and an old friend who I don’t speak to because he just wants to get in my knickers.”

A recent survey has found that people who post motivational bollocks are less likely to actually follow their own advice.

“People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off,” said the spokeswoman before punching a dog in the face.

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Sarcasm replaces English language as official language of over-40s

Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s.

The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language.

Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We have found a startling connection between increased age and the use of sarcasm as a first language. Essentially, what we’ve found is that the older you are, the more sarcastic you’re going to be. We think this is because when you set out in life, you have hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination. After a few decades of trying the same old shit and getting nowhere, you realise that is hasn’t worked. Fuckers internalise this and become bitter. They see members of the youth with their hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination and they realise that theirs has gone. That’s when they turn to sarcasm and that’s why we’re seeing these kind of numbers.”

The figures show that over 90% of over 40s use sarcasm as their first language.

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