A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet.
Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Last week’s diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. It mainly involves me talking about it to the point where I burn off calories. Yesterday, I went into work and talked about it for seven hours non-stop. I checked my phone app and it told me that I’d burnt 600 calories – just from talking about it. Today, I’m going to talk about it even more because my work colleagues are so interested in it. I can tell that they are interested in it because they yawn a lot and one friend even threw his desk upside down to celebrate my calorie loss. I’m a new woman.”
Gladys’s boss, Jim said:
“If she talks about that fricking diet for one more minute, I’m firing the shit out of her. I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
Scientists have scientifically proven that dog farts can kill a small family.
The scientists collected a collection of dog farts and unleashed them in a small room. Paramedics managed to save the family just in time.
Professor Harry Bighead told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We all know the power of the dog fart but we wanted to see how potent they really were. We collected a load of dog farts and put them in a jar. Then we locked a small family in the room to see what happened. They got into trouble immediately and within three minutes, we had to open the door and send our medical staff in. They were close to death. I think we proved our point.”
An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence.
Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly.
Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this fucking fucker just pulled out on me like he was in some massive fucking rush. I fucking swore at him good and proper but when the fucker started driving at 15mph, I lost my shit. I came out with curse words I never even knew existed. I went on for about a good two minutes and it was only when I ran out of breath that I realised I’d broken the world record. Luckily, the fucker who’d pulled out on me fucked off and I was allowed to continue on my fucking way. If he’d be in front of me for a fucking minute longer, he’d have had my fucking fist in his face.”
Wetcleft has been contacted by the World Record Association to collect his prize.
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales.
This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 6th-13th February, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse.
Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff, said:
“This affliction can happen to anyone, especially in this day and age. I went to a supermarket last night to pick up some coffee for the shop and on the way out, this old fucker just stopped walking and stood there in the doorway to check her receipt. She was blocking everyone who wanted to come in and out. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood anyway but this instantly turned me into a Grumpy Fucker. Of course, lots of other people are grumpy because they have to work with arseholes and dickheads. It’s those people we should feel sorry for and that’s what this week is all about.
“Awareness is important! Let’s get the message out there that it’s ok to be a Grumpy Fucker. You’ve got this! You are enough and other overused and dismissive clichés,” he added.
Grumpy Fucker Awareness Week will kick off with a shitty coffee morning at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop. No other events have been planned as yet because organisers can’t be arsed.
Are you a Grumpy Fucker? Has life turned you from a bouncy, young, happy-go-lucky spring chicken to an old miserable fucking fucker? Ah well. Tough shit. That’s life for you.
A woman has been branded a psycho after actually using a set of drawers in a hotel.
Eileen Jibbergunt left items in the drawer that’s usually reserved for fuck all.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I thought I’d use the hotel drawers to put things in. They were there and I had things to put in them. I put my items in the drawer and took a picture, which I then put on my social media. Within minutes, all my friends had turned on me, calling me a psycho. Everyone went nuts. When I got home from holiday, all of my friends had moved away. I didn’t realise I’d been so bad.”
Husband Tony said:
“I’ve disowned her. The next wife I’m going to have is never going to use hotel drawers.”
A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee.
Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It had never crossed my mind that she made shit coffee. As the alpha male of the house, I’m always the one making it. But we were watching TV last night and I couldn’t get up because I had the dog on my lap. Glenys asked me if I wanted a cuppa and although I was a bit uneasy about letting her do it, I thought she should give it a go. What she brought in was the biggest mug of piss I’d ever seen. I think she must have literally shown the coffee pod to the mug before putting it straight in the bin. I was crushed. I picked up the phone and called my solicitor straight away. Actually, that’s a lie. I waited for my show to finish and then I rang him.”
Heartbroken Glenys said:
“I’ve never made a cup of coffee in my life. I thought I was giving it my best shot but I’m clearly not good enough for him. I’m so ashamed.”
Haydn is now considering setting up a Coffee-Making Course for people who make piss-poor tea.
A pet dog has told Grumpy Fuckers that he’s convinced that he owns the street he lives on.
Rover the dog barks at any other animal or human that dares pass outside his house.
Rover told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was born to own this street. This street is mine. Any other bastard comes past my house and I’m there, barking away like a bastard. My owners think that they own the house that we live in but I keep reminding them that the house actually belongs to the bank. Unlike them, I actually own this street. It’s mine. Everything belongs to me. The cars, the houses, the tarmac. It’s all mine.”
Rover’s owners said that their dog is deluded.
“He’s a pain in the arse to be honest. He snores and smells like shit.”
People who do stuff primarily with their left hands have been told to grow the fuck up.
It is estimated that 100% of left-handers only do so to piss other people off.
Arthur TwoPorches, President of the Right-Handed Hand Group, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve put up with these idiots for years. Going around, doing stuff with their left hands like as if that’s their naturally dominant hand. We all know that these left-handers are right-handers in disguise and we urge them to stop arsing around and grow up. We’re fed up with having to provide ambidextrous pens and pencils for them. Enough is enough. God made you a certain way and I’m pretty sure that he mentioned something in it when he wrote the Bible.”
Left-handed Gillian Gobshite said:
“I can’t help it. I do everything with my left-hand apart from pick my nose. No particular reason.
Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular.
People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers.
A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers:
“These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old shit without a care in the world. It’s not as if they’re even whistling anything that we can recognise. We are therefore happy to announce that we will now be able to taser any fucker who continues to whistle. Personally, I can’t wait to beat the shit out of them. It’ll take a lot of stress out of my day and make me a lot happier.”
Police will start training on Monday at about 11.30am when they get out of bed.
A man has taken up wearing glasses so that people start taking him seriously.
Danny Dickwad was largely ignored until he donned a pair of spectacles. Now people listen to what he has to say.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I used to go into work and sit at my desk. All day long, I’d try and make an impact but everyone just ignored me. At meetings, I’d try and offer my opinion but others would look at me as if I was just shit on their shoe. Then I had the idea of wearing a pair of glasses. I put on a pair that I found in the Lost Property box and instantly people started asking for my expert opinion. I was put in charge of meetings and given a new desk and a PA. When I went for lunch, people looked to see what I was eating and ordered the same.
“Now I wear my glasses all the time so that people take me more seriously. I feel like Clark Kent but in reverse if that makes sense which it probably doesn’t because I’m still the same dopey fuckwit underneath this professional and intelligent looking exterior.”
Dickwad’s workmates said that they had a new-found respect for him.
“I used to think he was a prick but now I think he’s a four-eyed prick,” said one work colleague.
Nature boffins have discovered that woodpeckers only peck trees because they hate them.
One woodpecker told Grumpy Fuckers that he hated trees so much that he just ‘wanted to hammer the shit out of them.’
“I’m just an angry bird as it were. I fucking hate trees. They just stand around looking all pompous all the fucking time. Like as if they own the place. The only way I can make myself feel better is to stick my fat arse on the side of them and hammer the shit out of them.
Scientists say that woodpeckers are often born angry.
“In our experience, these woodpeckers are just jumped up little mother fuckers. The poor trees are the ones to take the brunt of their anger.”
A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out.
The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out.
Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers:
“While we eat some animals, we also like to keep some in our house and love them like family members. We wanted to look into how these people interact with their pets and we were surprised to learn that most people actually talk to their pets as if they are human. Our study found that most people felt a sense of guilt when leaving their pets and a staggering 96% of them told their pets that they wouldn’t be long when they headed out. In most cases, this was to make the owner feel better and in almost all cases, it was a very big lie.
“We spoke to the pets about this and while most dogs felt a sense of anxiety about being left alone, every single cat we spoke to said that they didn’t give a shit how long they were left alone for.”
One cat said:
“I hope they stay out all day. I can then shit in their slipper and invite all my mates around for a rave.”
A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service.
Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was a twenty-a-day girl. It all started off with my settee and once that was completely full, I needed some for my bed. Things just got out of hand. I was down at the cushion shop most days but when things really started getting out of hand, I turned to Very on the internet. The deliveryman had to start leaving them outside as I couldn’t open the front door for cushions. The place was looking lovely but things were getting out of control, especially when I couldn’t reach the kitchen to make myself some food.”
Husband Simon, who left home three years ago after being replaced by a pillow in the shape of a kitten, said:
“It was ridiculous. I’m not surprised she had to call the Fire Brigade out. The woman was ill in the head.”
Fire crews took two hours to free Gaynor from her home. One fireman told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It looked dead comfy in there. We counted over 150,000 cushions and soft furnishings in there. I took a few home for my missis.”
Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake.
The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period.
Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport on their way to work. We knew that these arseholes would be the perfect subjects. We then locked them in a room for three days to see what would happen. Of course, there were riots and all kinds of shit kicking off. After the third day, we told them that we were locking them in for another three days but this time, we plied them with as much coffee as they wanted. Things calmed down a lot and in some cases, some of our subjects even spoke to each other. We also noticed that our toilets were particularly busy when coffee was given to our subjects, leading us to conclude that coffee helps you shit. We will be publishing our findings when we can be arsed.”
Coffee has also recently been proven to reduce homicide rates across the world.
Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year.
Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not going to happen now. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we’ve had to cancel the festival. Hopefully though, we’re going to hire a tent and do one next year. It’s such a shame as I’d bought several bags of sausage rolls from Iceland and now they’re all going to go waste. It’s such a shame.”
Critics have pointed out that there was no such festival planned in the first place, and that Grumpy Fuckers have just made it all up to squeeze in a cheap joke when they can’t think of anything else to write.
A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container.
Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now and I’ve never had this problem before. I usually eat about ten tubes a week. I was sat down watching The A-Team last night and to drown my sorrows, I thought I’d eat a tube of Sour Cream flavoured Pringles. I popped the lid off no problem but before long, I found myself actually having to tilt the tube so that the Pringles would come out. I blame my fat hands for the problem – I think I must have some thyroid problem or something so I’m going to see my doctor.”
Jamie has now taken to pouring his Pringles into a bowl to avoid the embarrassment of not getting his fat hands in the tube in front of friends and family.
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.
Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch Friends and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”
Husband Ken said:
“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Benny Hill, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford Focus. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”
“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”
Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy.
Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park.
He told the waiting audience:
“We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. I can’t stay any longer as I’ve got so much I need to do today. I was up a sparrow’s fart to make sure I go here today but I’d been up all night at the dog kept wanting to go out the back garden for a shit. I’m exhausted. The only thing that got me through the hell of getting up was my coffee, which kind of makes my point. I was able to drive to work without ramming anyone off the road and a second cup of coffee has helped me put up with the dipshits that have arranged this conference. I need to go now because my boss is on my back about another project and if he’s not careful, I’m going to stab him in the eye with my posh pen. Thanks.”
Bumlick handed out copies of the report for audience members to read when they’ve got fuck all else to do.