A man has made conversation with his wife who was sat next to him after Facebook went down last night. The popular social networking site went down leaving many not sure what to do with themselves. Jeff WideGut told Grumpy Fuckers: “It was all a bit strange. There I was one minute on my phone; […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
19
Sep
Sep
The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars. The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests. […]
A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook. Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share […]
A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive. Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “My job’s shit anyway so […]
A new app has been launched to help fuckers find their lost socks. The FindMySock app can even find socks that have seemingly vanished in the washing machine. Creator Jimmy Fuckface said: “I’ve lost shitloads of socks over the years. It got so bad that I realised that I had to do something. I knew […]
11
Sep
Sep
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 24th September. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
29
Aug
Aug
A group of antisocial people is still yet to meet, ten months after it was set up. The Grumpy Fuckers Anti Social Social Club have put off ten monthly meetings so far this year. A spokesman told Grumpy Fuckers: “We really can’t be arsed to meet. Our problem is that we hate people as a […]
A new emoji has been launched, allowing people to express how much of a Grumpy Fucker they are with one push of their fat fucking thumb. The new emoji is available on all good smart phones, and some shit ones. Inventor Clive Grimgrits told a waiting audience: “A Grumpy Fucker emoji has been a long […]
11
Aug
Aug
Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face. Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly. A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than […]
10
Aug
Aug
Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy. The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings. A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers: “Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought […]
A vegan has become stranded on a desert island after finding themselves in the middle of a moral dilemma. Les ‘The Lettuce’ Turnip is now facing the problem of what to eat, according to experts. Nutrition expert Glenda Thundergunt told GrumpyFuckers: “We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the […]
08
Apr
Apr
International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime. Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work. Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging […]
31
Mar
Mar
The date of this year’s Grumpiest Husband Competition has been announced. Friday 20th April will be the day that polls close and a winner announced. Competition manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a […]
A new online dating site has opened for people of mixed weights. It means that fat fuckers can now date skinny fuckers at the click of a button. Larry Lardarse, CEO of Fat v Skinny Dating told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s very rare that you see fat fuckers dating skinny fuckers and that’s all because of […]
A 46 year old man has seized the wrong day while trying to make his life more interesting. Donny Dickwash was hoping to seize a Monday but seized a Tuesday instead. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I never get anything right in life. Nothing. I once married a woman and it was only three months into […]
24
Feb
Feb
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
Scientists have successfully concluded that 95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms. The other 5% of marriage is actually hearing your partner muttering ‘Doesn’t matter’ at the end of an unsuccessful room-to-room conversation. Professor Brian Bellend who headed up the survey said: “I’ve been married for 17 years now and not a […]
A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch. Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole. She told GrumpyFuckers: “You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe […]
16
Jan
Jan
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
28
Dec
Dec
Nations across the world are waiting in anticipation of the arrival of another shit year. With 2018 fizzling out like a disappointing fart, people are now looking forward to the shitfest that will be 2019. Keith Watercloset of the Grumpy Fuckers Events Committee said: “2018 was a total load of bollocks. Just when we thought […]