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Men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them.

The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to endless domestic disputes.

Government spokesman Brian Boring told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We often get girls in here moaning that their fella hasn’t put a certain item back where it belongs in their house. It could be the measuring tape, it could be a set of keys. We’re finding that more and more lads are using things and then not putting them back where they belong.”

The classes will include:

• Understanding why things need to go back to where you picked them up from
• Learning how to put things back in the place that they belong
• Why making excuses for not finding items around the house is fruitless

It is hoped that the classes will bring about a more organised society in Wales and also bring down the percentage of domestic arguments.

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Band release shit Christmas single – and insist you buy it ‘because it’s for charity’

A band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’.

Acres of Doom have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local charity that looks to rehome lost rabbits.

Twmpath told Grumpy Fuckers:



“The song is really, really shit. But we dragged the school choir in here to tart it up a little. We don’t really care what it sounds like to be honest but you do need to buy it because it’s for a good cause. Them poor rabbits – they all need a loving home you know.”

But critics have pointed out that releasing a single could have been avoided. Neighbour Jim LargeArse told Grumpy Fuckers:

“The fakking noise that was coming from their bedroom was shocking. Why couldn’t they raise money by doing something crazy like sitting in a bath full of baked beans. They do it on Children in Need – why not here?”

The single will be available from all good retailers and some crap ones.

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Mother-of-six takes frozen Christmas turkey out to defrost

A mother-of-six has taken out her frozen Christmas turkey to allow it to defrost.

Full-time mum Glenda Slackflaps has taken the frozen dead bird from the chest freezer in her garage, and has placed it on a plate at room temperature in her kitchen.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We had big problems last year when I only took it out to defrost on the 1st December. We had it in the bath, under my sunbed and even under my hairdryer. We’re ready for it this year.”

The Slackflaps family had to endure eating turkey drumsticks that mum Glenda had as an emergency supply in her freezer.

“It was awful.” said eldest daughter Tonya. “It was like eating turkey drumsticks for Christmas dinner.”

Glenda still plans to take her frozen sprouts out of the freezer at the annual family ‘Getting-The-Sprouts-Out-The-Freezer’ get-together on December 15th.

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Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians.

Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into reverse gear.

Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”

Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. Doreen Trolleybird told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred.”

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4 out of 5 teenagers think safe sex ‘involves having a handrail around the bed’

80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’.

That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers.

The survey also found that:

• 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk bottle until it hummed a melodic tune
• 52% thought that bumming involved rubbing bare buttocks together
• 87% enjoyed watching porn films instead of Sesame Street

The shocking results of the report has taken many by surprise. Bernard Gonad, President of The Society for Rude Things told Grumpy Fuckers:



“The figures are truly shocking. To think that 80% of teenagers consider safe sex to have a handrail around the bed, and then to find out that an extra 7% think that having one foot on the floor helps make it safer, makes us realise that these kids are all as thick as shit. We really need to educate them.”

One teenager, who didn’t want to be identified, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I really haven’t got a clue. It was only yesterday that I found out how babies were made. I honestly thought that all the lads had to do was rub the girl’s tummy to get them pregnant. How thick as shit am I?”

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Shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout.

Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual women’s supermarket etiquette demands that a woman must first SLOWLY pack her items into plastic bags in an organised manner, and then SLOWLY dig her purse out from her Tardis handbag while other shoppers wait in line.

Witness Colin Greenteeth told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was ready to wait impatiently for ten minutes, cussing and sighing while she searched each pocket for her purse. But this woman was there holding out her tenner before the checkout girl could say ‘that’s £6.37 please love’. I had to ask the fella next to me to pinch me to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.”

CCTV footage showed that the woman was getting her money out from a pocket WHILE THE CHECKOUT GIRL WAS SCANNING THE ITEMS. Kwik Save manager Debbie Twoshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was ashamed to see it with my own eyes. She won’t be shopping here again.”

Were you the mystery woman? If so, please get in touch. We’d like to buy you a pint.

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Woman jailed after performing ‘DIY colonic irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and plunger’

A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days.

Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a tenner and a few beers’.

Sentencing Shitehouse, Judge Crustynob said:



“You clearly knew what you were doing when you advertised your services in the local Post Office. You forced these people to drink Mr Muscle liquid sink unblocker against their will. Thanks to you, some of your customers are now suffering from chronic ring sting. You are an evil, wicked woman.”

But friends of Shitehouse were dismayed at the verdict. Mandy Wondergunt said:

“She used to offer colonic for just a fiver but since the jet washer broke the hose pipe, she’s had to think up new ways to offer her customers a service. I think she’s a local hero. This government should be ashamed of itself.”

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CLAIM: I’ve put on 32 stone with SpeedySlim shakes

A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went for a burger every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to channel when Oprah finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, said:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”

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QUIZ: Are you on Santa’s Good List or Naughty List?

It won’t be long before the judgmental fucker that is Santa Claus will be jamming his fat arse down our chimneys. But are you on his Good List or his Naughty List? Find out here:

Welcome to your Are you on Santa's Good List or Bad List?

You are crossing the road when you spot a frail old lady with a small dog waiting to cross the road. Do you?
A small child trips in front of you spilling their sweets and grazing their knee. Do you?
You find a purse while you're waiting for the number 62 bus. It's wodged full of cash but also contains some ID belonging to a little old lady. Do you?
The local church is looking for new lead that has been stolen from their roof. Do you?
You borrow a DVD from a friend but when you get home, you realise the DVD in the case is one of their homemade porn films. Do you?
You are in a crowded lift and you've got the mother of all farts brewing. What do you do?
Your dog wants to go out for a walk but you're very tired. Do you?
A car pulls up and the driver asks you for directions. Do you?
What do you mostly use social media for?
What do you think of Santa Claus?


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Man finds end of sticky tape

A man has successfully found the end of a roll of sticky tape.

David Dumfuck threw an impromptu party to celebrate, having spent the last three months looking for it.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:



“It was three months ago to the day that I started looking for the end of this tape. I’d been wrapping some presents for my Mum’s birthday and it just seemed to happen. I looked for the end and there it was – gone. I spent several hours looking for it and in the end, I had to give my mum her new dildo in a plastic bag. It kinda took all the fun out of it. She loved it though.”

David spent the following three months searching for the end of the roll:

“I was up at 5am every morning looking for it. I had a few false alarms but it was only yesterday that I managed to find it. I was delirious. I was so happy that I invited all my friends to a local restaurant and for them all to stuff their fat faces. I’m over the moon.”

David is now recovering at home.

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QUIZ: Are you an angry fucker?

angry-fucker

Are you as cool as a cucumber or do you need to visit an anger management class? Let Grumpy Fuckers diagnose you with this fab quiz!

Welcome to your Are you an angry fucker?

1. You've just woken up and gone downstairs for some Cornflakes when you open
the fridge door to find that all the milk has gone. Do you?
2. You're driving to work when a cyclist pulls out in front of you, pedalling very slowly and not allowing you to overtake. Do you?
3. You get to work to find that your boss has sacked you and employed some bird with big wabbers. Do you?
4. When you get back to your car, you find that a traffic warden has just put a ticket on your car. Do you?
5. You arrive back at home and notice that some young scamp has put his football through
your front window. Do you?
6. You settle down with a few beers to comfort yourself by watching an episode of
Countdown. Unfortunately, the cricket has run over, meaning that today's episode will now be shown at a later date. Do you?
7. When you get back, your partner has left you, in favour of a homosexual relationship with someone they met yesterday. Do you?
8. You decide to comfort yourself with a bag of chips, but Mr Wong has decided not to open today as he's gone to watch the cricket. Do you?

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How grumpy are you? [Worker’s edition]

You might be a Grumpy Fucker without knowing it! Take our shitty quiz to find out!

Welcome to your How Grumpy Are You? [Worker's Edition]

1. When you wake up in the mornings, what are the first words you utter?
2. What is your morning tipple?
3. What's the first thing you do when you get to work?
4. Your work phone rings. Do you?
5. It's lunch hour in work. Do you?
6. The afternoon is dragging. How do you pass the time?
7. It's home time. How do you leave the workplace?
8. You arrive home. What's the first thing you do?
9. A friend phones and asks if you fancy going out with them. Do you?

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Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.

Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.

Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:



“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to the local furniture shop and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”

Cushion addict Tina Plump added:

“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”

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Man lives dangerously by attempting to talk to wife before her morning coffee

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee.

Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee.

Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I hadn’t even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My jaw just dropped. He babbled on for a few minutes before he noticed that I wasn’t replying and was getting ready to rip his testicles off.”

Richard shut the fuck up as soon as he knew he was putting his life at risk.

“I thought she’d had a few sips and I didn’t even think. I just went into the room and started talking. It was only when I saw her pulling her fingernails out of the bed that I realised I was in trouble. I shut the fuck up and went straight to work,” said Richard.

He hasn’t returned home since.

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Woman keeps sadness inside after receiving haircut that she didn’t like

A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like.

Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I was in that chair for over three hours. I browsed through several magazines looking for a cut that I liked and I eventually settled on a cut that looked that that one out of Friends. I told my hairdresser that I wanted my hair like that and she said that it’d be no problem. Three hours later and I ended up looking like Phil Spector. I’m not sure where it all got lost in translation. When my hairdresser asked me if I liked my new hair, I told her that I loved it but I couldn’t get out of the shop quick enough. I had to keep all my sadness inside. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it now. I’ve become such a grumpy fucker that the only thing I can do is get shit-faced on gin.”

Annabel’s hairdresser was contacted for a comment but told us to fuck off. Annabel is hoping to leave her home in 5 months once her new hairstyle has grown out.”

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82% people experience the Mid-Life ‘Fuck It’

82% of the world’s population have or will experience, the Mid-Life Fuck It.

The ‘Mid-Life Fuck It’ has been described as realising that one is too old to give a fuck about anyone or anything.

One Mid-Life Fucker told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and went to comb my hair but realised that I didn’t have any left. It was then that I realised that it’d happened – I’d become middle-aged. I took the mirror off the wall and went out to the nearest motorcycle shop. I part-exchanged my house for a new bike, took all my clothes off and drove down the highway until I run out of gas. Then I went into the nearest bar and drunk so much that I pissed myself. I was hoping to get laid that night but the ladies in the bar weren’t too keen so I went home and watched some porn. I masturbated until my penis came off in my hand.”

Professor BigBollocks of a local university said that this kind of experience is all too common among middle-aged fuckers.

“It’s happening all over the world. We spoke to one woman who sold her kids for a new pair of tits. She felt like she was 19 again until 9pm came around and she had to go home to have a lie down,” said the Professor.

“If my calculations are correct, I’d say that 3 million people are experiencing that ‘moment’ right now.

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Grab yourself a coffee – International Grumpy Fucker Day 2018 is Friday 2nd November!

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2018

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November.

Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated. Friday’s celebrations follow a previous International Grumpy Fuckers Day only a few weeks ago at the end of September because once a year isn’t enough to celebrate the fucking day.

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People who whistle non-tunes can now legally be punched in the throat

People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat.

It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit.

Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve all heard it – some dickhead happy at their job, whistling something that doesn’t even resemble a song. People that need to be punched hard in the throat so we’ve pushed through some legislation that means that anyone can now legally shut the happy fuckers up. I was in a restaurant yesterday and there was this prick who was happily cleaning the dishes out the back. He was so happy in his job that he was whistling any old shit. I slammed down my steak, stormed into the kitchen and punched the fucker in the throat. He stopped whistling after that. I am glad to see our law-makers seeing sense and passing this as law.”

One postman who didn’t want to be identified said:

“It now means that I’ll have to do my rounds in complete silence. This world has gone mad.”

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Woman rushes home from work to do fuck all at home

A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home.

Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is coming home again and on Friday, I just needed to get home asap. I left at 6pm on the fucking dot, got in my car and drove like a fucking loon. I was home in record time and when I got in, I did fuck all. It was amazing. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. It was the best feeling in the world.”

Hattie also did very little over the weekend.

“I just sat around doing fuck all for most of it,” she said. “Sometimes, that’s all a girl wants and I’m glad I rushed home on Friday so I had more time to do fuck all.”

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Prosecco coolers to be introduced to offices nationwide

Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy.

The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices.

Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant increase in the happiness of their workers, and workplace would become a nice place to work once again. Over the last few decades, the office has become a place of doom and negativity. Our aim is to ply workers with huge amounts of Prosecco in order to reverse this trend. We tested it in our workplace and every day has been a great one. I can’t remember much about them but the photos are hilarious. Also, our Chief Executive has had to go off work as she’s now found out that she’s pregnant. By Phil in accounts I think. And Tina’s broken leg is healing nicely after her fall from the top of the photocopier.”

Prosecco coolers are expected to be installed in most offices throughout November.

“I can’t wait,” said one worker. “I’m going to get shit-faced every day.”

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