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Government asks BMW to recall 5 million cars after ‘indicators fail to work’

The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars.

The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests.

Government spokesman Dan Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve been getting calls from motorists and police officers across the country telling us that flashers on the side of BMWs are not working. Whether they are pulling into a different lane on the motorway or just coming around a roundabout, it seems that no-one is aware of where the BMW is heading because its indicators just simply aren’t working. We would like BMW to look into this as a matter of urgency.”

But it seems that the indicators ARE working but that some BMW drivers are not aware of their existence.

Driver Clive Snitch said:

“Indicators? Eh? In my car? Ha ha. Don’t be stupid! Eh? On the side of my steering wheel? Really?…Good god, you’re right. I thought that was just there to flash my lights to people when I’m driving up their arseholes at 90mph.”

Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here
Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here

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Runner set personal best but forgets to share it on Facebook

A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook.

Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night.




She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share my personal best with my friends and family on Facebook. I can’t believe I wasted that opportunity. Normally I share every single run I do, just to impress everybody. They love seeing my stats and all the maps of where I go and that. They think I’m so healthy but really, I’m just running to the chippy and back. They do a lovely line in steak and kidney pies and I can’t stop eating the bastards.”

Denise’s new time of 5 minutes and 3 seconds shaves nearly half an hour off her personal best. Her husband Tim said:

“She took the car last night. You did know that didn’t you? She set the RunKeeper app on her phone to run, got in the Austin Allegro and drove to the chippie.”

Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here
Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here

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Man takes month off work to take delivery of wife’s internet orders

A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive.

Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:




“My job’s shit anyway so I don’t mind staying home. The problem is that my missis has ordered so much shit that I’m struggling to keep up. It all started when I missed the delivery man because I was upstairs changing the duvet. When I came downstairs, I noticed a card saying that I’d missed my delivery so the next day, I went to the sorting office to collect it and then found three more cards saying that I’d missed more deliveries when I got back. There’s all sorts arriving at my house and the bin man’s going to have a heart attack when he sees the amount of cardboard boxes I’ve got for him on Monday.”

Wife Sandra does all her Christmas shopping on her break at work. She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I do all my Christmas shopping on my break at work.”

Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here
Get your Grumpy Fucker Christmas cards here

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New app help fuckers find lost socks

A new app has been launched to help fuckers find their lost socks.

The FindMySock app can even find socks that have seemingly vanished in the washing machine.

Creator Jimmy Fuckface said:




“I’ve lost shitloads of socks over the years. It got so bad that I realised that I had to do something. I knew that I was very clever so I came up with this amazing app that I’m going to charge through the nose for. It helps fuckers find their socks and can be useful for tracing long lost socks that have vanished in the washing machine. I’d like everyone in the world to buy it so that I can retire within the next year and live on a tropical island where topless women bring me ice cold gin and tonic every hour on the hour.”

Critics have pointed out flaws with the new app, saying that no-one has ever been able to find socks that have gone missing from a washing machine.

“This app’s a load of shit,” said one critic. “I wouldn’t use it if anyone paid me to.”

The app is available in most good outlets and some shit ones

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Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2018 – Monday 24th September

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-mashed
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Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 24th September.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

 

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Antisocial group still yet to meet

A group of antisocial people is still yet to meet, ten months after it was set up.

The Grumpy Fuckers Anti Social Social Club have put off ten monthly meetings so far this year.

A spokesman told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We really can’t be arsed to meet. Our problem is that we hate people as a rule so it’s been a bit tricky meeting up. The last thing I want to do when I get home from working with dickheads all day is going to meet more dickheads. We’ve therefore not yet once yet, which is probably just as well because I’d punch them in the face. We’ll see how things pan out for the rest of the year and if we haven’t met yet by Christmas, we might just pull the plug on it. We’re not really sure why we set it up in the first place to be honest.”

One member said:

“Can’t think of anything worse than meeting up with other people. What kind of fucktard likes to do that?”

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New emoji expresses how much of a Grumpy Fucker you are

grumpy fucker

A new emoji has been launched, allowing people to express how much of a Grumpy Fucker they are with one push of their fat fucking thumb.

The new emoji is available on all good smart phones, and some shit ones.

Inventor Clive Grimgrits told a waiting audience:




“A Grumpy Fucker emoji has been a long time in the making. It’s taken years of research and development and tens of thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears. Actually, that’s a lie. It took me three minutes to knock up on Photoshop. Even so, it looks pretty good and will help grumpy fuckers to express themselves in a way that words never could. We’ll be making the emoji available to all major phone providers but we’ll be looking to charge them millions so that we can retire and forget about working. We look forward to seeing the new emoji in action.”

But critics have pointed out that the new emoji is shit.

“It’s just been put together in three minutes on Photoshop. Where’s the thought behind it? It’s just some arsehole trying to make a quick buck. Disgraceful”

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Police get new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face

noisy wanker

Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face.

Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly.

A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than happy to see him getting punched hard in the face if he carries on. We have given our police these new powers so that we can stamp this stupid behaviour out. Police will be able to apply these new rules even when they are off duty so that if they are in a public place and come across a noisy eater, they can punch them in the face, no questions asked.”

One woman added:

“I was out having a meal last night and I swear that the woman on the table next to me was chewing a load of fucking rocks.”

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Hospitals to start offering Intravenous Coffee Therapy

Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy.

The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings.

A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers:




“Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought me a bucket of coffee. We’ve set up this new therapy to take advantage of the fact that millions can’t function without caffeine and we are hoping to retire by the end of the year with the shitloads of money we’re going to make from it. Patients will be able to come into hospital, get their shot of coffee straight into their arms and this will allow them to function all week without having to down a coffee.”

Trial users have expressed their deep joy at the therapy. Gordon Wundergunt told Grumpy Fuckers:

“As soon as I got the hit, I went into a 15 minute orgasm. After that, I went and had a sit down because my head hurt but I was then able to function all week without having to get my coffee fix. It is a beautiful thing.”

Patients will be pumped with 20 pints of coffee in one sitting.

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Vegan gets stranded on a desert island

A vegan has become stranded on a desert island after finding themselves in the middle of a moral dilemma.

Les ‘The Lettuce’ Turnip is now facing the problem of what to eat, according to experts.

Nutrition expert Glenda Thundergunt told GrumpyFuckers:




“We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the animals that are on the island and will starve himself to death. We all know that the only source of protein in the world comes from dead animals and if Les doesn’t get his shit together pretty quickly, he’s going to end up as food for the vultures. We would encourage Les to stop being vegan and look after himself properly.

Les managed to get a message home to his family earlier this week. It read:

“I’ve often been asked the question ‘What would I eat if I get stuck on a desert island?’. There are wild pigs running around here, as well as sheep and cows and all kinds of animals. And I’ll be eating what they’re eating. It’s rather nice being away from all the arseholes in the world so I’m beginning to think that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Everyone can go fuck themselves. Apart from the animals obvs.”

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International Lazy Fuckers Day postponed until next month sometime

International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime.

Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work.

Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging the event. I did it last year and it nearly killed me and this year, I think I’d rather just sit around in my kegs and watch telly instead. I phoned my mate Turdy McGinty and he said the same so we’ve decided just to postpone it for a while. Maybe when we’re feeling a bit more in the mood for it all.”

Regular visitors to the festival welcomed the news. Jerry Shithead said:

“To be honest, I’m glad to hear it. If was this month, I probably wouldn’t have gone because I really can’t be arsed. I hope that they postpone it indefinitely so that I don’t have to go.”

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World’s Grumpiest Husband 2018 Competition date announced

grumpy husband

The date of this year’s Grumpiest Husband Competition has been announced.

Friday 20th April will be the day that polls close and a winner announced.

Competition manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a long day at work; we had husbands who were moaning that they couldn’t get their ends away with their wives; we even had one husband moan that the TV remote control was too far away from him. The world is full of grumpy husbands and we’ll be wanting to find this year’s Grumpiest Fucker.”

There will be prizes for this year’s winner, including a World’s Grumpiest Husband T-shirt and mug.

“I’m sure that this year’s competition will be the best. If it isn’t, I’ll eat my hat. Metaphorically of course.”

To be notified of when entries open, scroll down to our mailing list below and pop your email address in.

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International Day of Happiness can fuck right off

Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness.

Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day.

Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said:




“What a shower of shit. We all know that this day is a cynical ploy to get people to spend money. It ain’t going to happen because life isn’t one big happy bunch of roses. Get real people – we live to work and anything we want to do that’s fun is either taxed or banned. Here at Grumpy Fucker’s Coffee Shop, we’ll be spending the day drinking shit coffee and moaning about how shit everything is. International Day of Happiness can fuck right off.”

Organisers of International Day of Happiness are hoping that everyone suddenly becomes happy because of their official day.

“They can stick it up their fat arses,” added Clive.

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New dating site opens for people of mixed weights

A new online dating site has opened for people of mixed weights.

It means that fat fuckers can now date skinny fuckers at the click of a button.

Larry Lardarse, CEO of Fat v Skinny Dating told Grumpy Fuckers:




“It’s very rare that you see fat fuckers dating skinny fuckers and that’s all because of the stigma surrounding a fat fucker dating a skinny fucker. I was lying in bed last night next to my fat fucking wife and she asked me if I was going to make love to her. Of course I was going to make love to her – she’s my wife. Why wouldn’t I? But as I was there, banging away at her mound, it made me think about all the other skinny lads who were missing out on the fun that I have. The following day, I borrowed £250,000 from her to set up my own website especially for people of mixed weights. The best part about it is that I can log in as any of my clients so I can cheat on my wife and she’ll never know.”

Customers are expected to pay £30 a month in subscriptions.

“I’m so excited,” said Larry. “The first thing I’m going to buy with my huge income is a speedboat because I’ve always wanted one.”

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Man seizes wrong day

Dickhead

A 46 year old man has seized the wrong day while trying to make his life more interesting.

Donny Dickwash was hoping to seize a Monday but seized a Tuesday instead.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I never get anything right in life. Nothing. I once married a woman and it was only three months into the marriage that I realised that she had a cock. Only last week, I was driving down the road and the guy in the car in front chucked out a plum. For some reason, I thought it was a hand grenade so I swerved to avoid getting blown up and crashed into a petrol station, which blew up. I thought I’d try and add some positivity to my life after seeing a motivational picture that my friend had put on Facebook. The picture said ‘Seize The Day!’ so I did. Sadly for me, I seized a Tuesday when I was hoping for a Monday. I really am thick as shit.”

Donny said that he realises now why he hasn’t got any friends.

“I’m just a complete failure and that’s fine with me because that’s what my Mum always used to tell me so it sorta fits.”

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Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day – Wednesday 28th February

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms

Scientists have successfully concluded that 95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms.

The other 5% of marriage is actually hearing your partner muttering ‘Doesn’t matter’ at the end of an unsuccessful room-to-room conversation.

Professor Brian Bellend who headed up the survey said:




“I’ve been married for 17 years now and not a day goes by where I find myself shouting ‘What?’ to my other half who has started talking to me from the other end of the house. God knows how she thinks I’m going to hear her. We were thinking of installing some kind of walkie-talkie system in the house but she shot that down in flames yet still continues to start conversations in other rooms. I thought I’d look into this in more detail so I conducted a study of 3,000 married couples. I found that in all cases, this was happening. It happens all over the world and in all cultures. 95% of married life consists of shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms. It’s a staggering figure.”

One married couple who took part in the study said that they have now resorted to phoning each other from separate rooms.

“She never bloody answers her phone though,” said the husband.

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Mother successfully stabs straw into Capri Sun drinks pouch

A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch.

Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole.

She told GrumpyFuckers:




“You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw me do it. At first, they thought I was having a laugh but when they saw that I’d actually managed to get the pointy bit into the silver circle, their jaws just dropped. Even I had to look twice to make sure. Those holes are tighter than a mouse’s arsehole – I think they’ve been specifically designed that way to make us mothers swear a bit more than we should. I wanted to take a photo of my successful insertion but my greedy fat kid snatched the drink off me and drank it.”

Sheila’s friend Debbie Wondergunt said:

“I’ve never seen that happen before. And I don’t think I ever will again. Not in my lifetime. What a time to be alive!”

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Tuesday 23rd January

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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World looks forward to another shit year

Nations across the world are waiting in anticipation of the arrival of another shit year.

With 2017 fizzling out like a disappointing fart, people are now looking forward to the shitfest that will be 2018.

Keith Watercloset of the Grumpy Fuckers Events Committee said:

“2017 was a total load of bollocks. Just when we thought that things couldn’t get any worse, 2017 comes along like a massive arsehole. We will be celebrating seeing the end of 2017 and welcoming in 2018, pretending that things are going to be better for some reason. They won’t of course. If anything, 2018 will be a bigger load of bollocks than all the previous years put together.”

Grumpy Fucker Frank Bellend said:

“I’m not sure what’s worse – seeing goodbye to a shit year or welcoming in a new one.”